Advice comes in all shapes, forms and sizes I have realized through the years. As a child growing up I was blessed with parents that dished out advice every time I needed it and some times when I didn't want to hear it. My mother was more the "listen to your heart" kind of advice giver; you know the kind that wants to give you advice, but doesn't want you to get upset with her if it's the wrong thing that she told you to do. She was always one to listen and a lot of times let me find my own answers just by allowing me to say it out loud and it becoming obvious to me what it was that I needed to do just by hearing myself talk about it. My dad was quite the opposite. He told me exactly how it was and it didn't matter if it was what I "wanted" to hear or not, it was what he felt in his heart and soul that it was what I needed to hear. And if I got mad at him? I would get over it what his answer to that. Most of the time I listened to them - and when I didn't...well I always ended up wishing I had.
Growing up I never realized how much advice that one acquires through their lifetime. That realization didn't come to me until years into parenthood when I was the one dishing it out. It starts out when they are babies - telling them not to touch this because it will hurt them, don't put that in your mouth you'll choke to death, don't climb on that you'll bust your head; you know that kind of advice that you teach them early in life what they don't comprehend until it happens or until you convince them that they are gonna get hurt!
Then you move on up to the next stage - the school years. You tell them they have to study or they will never pass, you tell them to be kind to others, don't be a tattle tale and if you're a boy - don't hit girls -if you are a girl don't let a boy hit you (and if he does knock his lights out of course). You know just the basic kindergarten through 5th grade kind of stuff that will get them by hopefully and that they will be a likable friend and student because of it.
Then they get a little older and the some of the hardest advice that you dish out is the kind that they will carry with them hopefully the rest of their lives. You know- the kind of advice that makes an attempt at healing a broken heart. The hardest thing that a parent can see is their child hurting. A broken heart doesn't always come in the form of a boy or a girl telling them they want to break up. It comes in many different ways and the advice that you give them ranges on many different levels.
A hurting heart most certainly can be the end result of someone starting out a conversation with "It's not you - it's me" or "I think we just need to be friends." But, unfortunately though there are other things that make the heart feel like it is crumbling inside of you. The betrayal of someone you trust, losing a friend over something or perhaps the worst of all the loss of someone you love.
You like to think that just saying "I promise it will get better - it won't always hurt like this" kind of advice will fix it all....but it won't....it's never that easy. And the worst part of it is that as you try to heal their heart your own feels their pain and your own words echoing in your ears are not enough to stop the pain you feel seeing them hurt.
I feel like I have the compassion that my mother had; or I at least try to show that empathetic part of me. I try to channel my dad through me using his wisdom of philosophy. But there are times that I am presented with something I have never experienced and then I have to wing it. That's the scariest thing in the world knowing that my child; no matter how old they are; has come to me [in a metaphoric sense] with their hands open holding pieces of a broken heart and asking me to put it back together. What can you do?
It's simple - you remember that this person is your very own heart beating on the outside of your body and you feel that pain, your own heart suffers as theirs does and you get that gut wrenching feeling that the world is falling apart right in front of you; and then you tell them what you want them to believe more than anything...that this will pass, that they will smile again and that life as unfair as it seems right now will get better.
I don't think that however hard that you try that you will always have the right answer. But if in your pursuit to give just the right words you just remember that no matter how simple the advice needs to be or how complex your words of wisdom need to be - the important thing is not always in what you say, but in just being there.
I know that I cannot always hold my children's hands. I can't always make everything the way it should be and I can't always keep the bad from happening. But I can always be there...if for nothing else but to let them know that I always will be.
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