As a Christian I try to not ever question the good Lord on the things that happen in my life - the good or the bad. There are times though that I have to admit that I have questions that I can't help but wonder about.
That is where I am right now. If I could stand before Him and ask Him something it would probably be…Menopause really?? Is it really necessary? I mean I know she ate the fruit. I get that. I know that the punishment for that has transcended through time to rest of us undeserving souls…(well, most of us are undeserving). I can take the being reminded once a month that she messed up. I survived childbirth and the mere fact that I felt like a Buick was traveling though my pelvis. But good golly this menopause is about to take me down.
If you have lived through menopause and survived to talk about it – you deserve something….a trophy, an embroidered Frog Tog towel or a tree in your local park named after you. If you haven't experienced it yet, please let me elaborate on what you are missing.
First of all you have no control over your moods. One moment you are a peace loving, all is right with the world - you love everyone. The next minute the least little thing - like someone breathing wrong results in you wanting to burn their house and kill their dog. You get no warning - it just happens, which makes those around you walk on eggshells in fear for their safety. My children have at some level of my insane moments searched the yellow pages for a priest who does in fact perform an exorcism.
Then there is the memory loss. I'm not talking about walking into a room and forgetting what you went in there for. I'm talking about being mid-sentence in a story and forgetting what you are talking about! It's not forgetting to brush your teeth - it's completely forgetting to brush your hair! Half the time I have to look down just to make sure I completely dressed myself before I leave the house. I walk around half the time like a woman who doesn't know if she has found a rope or lost a horse! I'm just thankful at this point that I don't have small children because to be perfectly honest they would be left behind somewhere.
My breaking point though? The hot flashes....OH MY STARS the hot flashes, or as I commonly refer to them as "power surges." I don't know if there is even an appropriate wording to describe these things! It's as if my body is about to spontaneously combust in 3.6 seconds. I'm perfectly fine, minding my own business, shopping for groceries in the middle of Wal-Mart and then BAM it hits, my body starts sweating in record time, my clothes begin to cling to me and voices start talking in my head...you know the ones that tell you to mow down the lady that is taking too long to find the watermelon that is the most ripe or the freshest loaf of bread. It's like I have an out of body experience that someone is going to have to call for "a cleanup on aisle 3" because of.
The other day at the gym (I only included the location so you would think I can actually work out in this condition) I was talking to my girlfriends Felicia and Bettina. Felicia is right there with me - about to commit herself or commit a crime (whichever comes first) over this madness. Bettina, on the other hand sat there I think somewhat alarmed at what is going to happen to her one day. She just kept repeating "Oh I don't want any of this!" Felicia and I of course are relishing in the fact that by the time our friend's body is being attacked by this monster that we will either be in a place where we will require special attention 24/7; we will be the focus of a made for TV movie on the Lifetime channel OR we will become a real life superhero because of the special powers we received because of overcoming the menopausal monster.
We were trying to adequately express just 'how bad' this womanly stage in our lives is. I think Felicia described it best when she said "It's like you are standing there and the portals of hell open up and the fire consumes your body at your feet and rapidly makes it's way to the top of your head and you just can't get naked enough!" Yeah...that is pretty accurate.
I have been told there perhaps there is about 2 years ahead for me to go through this...two years of my children being scared of me....two years of my fiancĂ© Patrick questioning whether he "really" wants to marry me....two years of potential innocent victims in the produce aisle at Wal-Mart facing the random chance of being strangled over them purchasing the last bunch of broccoli...two more years of sleepless nights waking up in the middle of a power surge that results in blankets hanging from the ceiling fan and the bedroom looking like an Iraqi war zone the next morning. Am I going to survive? I really don't know. Are the ones I love going to survive? Gosh I hope so! All I do know is that one day I will hopefully know why I had to go through something that makes a person who survived Naked and Afraid look like a wimp – but Heaven help those that are trying to survive it with me!
