One of the things that I have always admired in my 17 year old daughter is that she has never been afraid to pursue the things in life that make her happy. For as far back as I can remember she has always been a person (even as a small child) who chartered out her course and then found the best possible way to pursue it. She has never been one to walk over top of others to get to where she was going; she merely figured out what was best for her and what would make her happy. It’s pretty much a fail-proof strategy to get through life; but yet in the same – not as easy as it may sound some times.
There are and always will be people in our lives that play a certain role along the way; those that are a stumbling block and those that are stepping stones. I have come to the realization though that what they are is not determined by them, but one’s own self who allows them to be one or the other. Unfortunately though in my case, I am my worst stumbling block. I create the limitations that I put on myself and then I try to find someone else to [for a lack of a better word] blame.
It has taken me a long time to finally realize that the person solely responsible for my being happy is no one other than me. It took me 47 years to realize it – but I guess better late than never. I have spent the better part of my life worrying about putting myself first and fretting over thinking that someone would consider me selfish if I put my own needs before someone else’s. My best friend has told me for as long as I can remember – “You have to take care of YOU before you take care of anyone else! Because if you aren’t happy – how can you make someone else happy?”
So what does that mean? It means I had to stop worrying if it would make someone mad if I opted to go shopping by myself; it means that I had to stop stressing myself out over whether or not someone would get upset with me for going out with friends. It meant that if something was important TO me then it was important enough FOR me to pursue it. Those were big steps to take for someone who had spent all her life trying to please everyone else instead of herself. It took someone repeatedly telling me – “It’s okay to do something for April – really it is!” This revelation has nothing to do with a break-up or anything of that nature. It has to do with me realizing that life is not about always feeling like the politically correct thing to do is pleasing other people. It's okay to take care of "you" from time to time.
With another birthday lurking around the corner and the milestone of the big 5-0 getting one year closer, I think it has set my mind into a tailspin of a lot of “what if” thinking. So with the new year just arriving I have put myself into a new mindset. I’ve made the decision that I’m going to start taking better care of me. I’m going to start thinking of me more often and at the same time convincing my inner goddess that it’s okay to do that and for her not to make me feel bad about myself for it.
I refuse to let myself anymore be a passenger in the backseat or riding shotgun with someone else being in the driver’s seat of my life. It’s time for me to climb in the driver’s seat and put my life on cruise control as I continue this journey on the pursuit to happiness.
