I had always thought that the older that you get the less hectic that life gets and the more time you have to relax. Gosh was I ever wrong! It seems like it is the exact opposite in fact. This past year it has almost been as if I was meeting myself coming and going because there was so much going on with just life in general.
I feel like at times that I am divided into to so many roles that I have to play that eventually everyone gets cheated one way or another out of their allotted time. Back before Christmas it was really weighing heavy on my mind how fast the year had gone by and how it was really just a blur to me. I thought about so many of the significant things that had happened over the last [almost] 365 days and some of the most major changes that had occurred in my children's lives. My oldest fell in love and moved out the first part of the year; my middle graduated high school, started college and completed her first semester over a course of 6 months time, and my son who is my youngest got his first job and his learner's permit within 3 months time.
As I thought about all these things occurring in their lives, it was almost as I slammed on the brakes on my car and was suddenly jolted into the reality of the fact of my children not being little anymore. I then began assessing and reassessing my role as a mother and wondered if I had "done enough" for them over the years. Oh I know they were cared for. They were fed. They had a roof over their heads. They were nursed back to health when they were sick. And although they may not have had everything they wanted....well I tried to make sure they had everything they needed. I wondered then, as I have since they were little, if they would remember all those things. Will they remember the basics in life that I provided for them? Well...I'm sure they will. It's ridiculous to think that they won't remember warm beds to sleep in, cooking for them (certainly not as much as I should have), taking care of them, etc. You get the picture - right?
What bothered me though about them growing up so fast was the question even more so....did I give them memories? Have I given them something to carry on with their children? Have I given them good times of laughter, fun and special times in the midst of all my working 2 & 3 jobs and spending too many late night hours figuring on budgets, check books and bills?
All of this sudden rush of nostalgia just overwhelmed me. I wanted to cry. I wanted to turn back time and have a do-over! I felt suddenly as if no matter how many awards I could get for being a hard worker, no matter how many pats on the back I could receive for being a dedicated employee, how many bills I paid off....none of that was important. All I could think about was what have I cheated my children out of and is it too late??
I felt like I was being visited by the ghost of Christmas past and this was my own "Ebenezer Scrooge confrontation with what's really important". I struggled for days and sleepless nights beating myself up with guilt. I felt like the "mother of the year" award that I had so desperately strived for had no chance of ever sitting on my mantle.
It really seemed to put a damper on the holidays, but then one night it was as if God felt like I had punished myself enough for my shortcomings as a parent and I received this text from my oldest daughter Jess. She had sent me a picture of their Christmas tree in her new home and down below it she said "remember when you would always put "When The Grinch Stole Christmas" on while we decorated the tree? Well I've started that tradition with my little family." I stood there with tears in my eyes and was speechless. It was exactly what I needed to hear.
The holidays were so crazy this year and all my normal rules and procedures for Christmas were completely out of whack. I had wrapped my presents at my mom's house and had to bring them down on Christmas Eve. It was late and Kai & Eli were still up. I asked them to help me carry the gifts in. They did and so I went ahead and put them under the tree. There was no reason I thought to wait until they went to bed; they are after all 15 & 18. But as I spread them under the tree they both just sat there and they had the strangest looks on their faces. Kai speaks up and says "this is the first time you have ever put the presents under the tree in front of us" Eli finished it off with "yeah you always let us just wake up surprised."
Well....while that was heartbreaking as a mother that I felt like I had shattered a tradition - I also felt like it was another sign from God that maybe perhaps I was being too hard on myself. Maybe just maybe I have given them memories to reflect back on and to repeat with their own children.
And while they have obviously outgrown their belief in the big guy dressed in red & white, they have not outgrown the things that made that special time just that...special.
I can only hope that the memories that I have created for them or made with them are more than just at Christmas time and I'm certain that they are; but to be honest I think that was a special gift for me and Christmas was just the right setting for it to be given to me...the reassurance that I have been there to give them memories and that maybe I didn't mess up [too bad].
Lesson learned...they are never to old to stop making memories and from now on the presents go under the tree while visions of sugar plums dance in their heads and not a moment before!
