I am very quickly approaching the 50 year mark in my life.
With that accomplishment coming around the corner you would normally (I think) start
reflecting on where you thought you would be at this point and look back at
where you have come from. At this time in my life though I never thought that I
would put so much emphasis on a physical aspect in that way of thinking rather
than in a professional, geographical or one based on experiences and lessons
learned.
I have never been a “Swimsuit cover of Sports Illustrated”
type of girl; never was Tyra Banks model material – but was cute and sweet I
like think and was built okay for me suppose. I never “hated” my body and never
dreaded buying swimsuits or shorts. As I aged though [especially later in life]
that started changing. I am no longer the size I was many moons ago and the
middle age spread got off to a running start before the pistol was even fired.
I remember one night when I was working second shift dispatching
we had ordered dinner and I was starving! I ordered something like two
corndogs, fries and a milkshake. My boss at the time came in a saw my rather
large display of food and said “one day that will catch up with you girlie.” I
scoffed at the notion and laughed at her thinking that my [sort of] petite self
would ever weigh more than I did. Now
here I am looking back at all the times I splurged at the local drive-in,
pretty much committed gluttony anytime I was near a fast food restaurant and
how many milkshakes I have drank over the years and looking at myself in the
mirror saying to myself “well she was right!”
I pretty much quit shopping for me, because to be honest
there is nothing more discouraging than not being able to fit in the same size
that you wore that last time you went into a dressing room. Oh the dressing
room…yeah that sure isn’t where I spend much time…those mirrors are my worst
enemy. I’m leaving for the beach in a few days and I literally want to cry at
the thoughts of facing myself in a reflective piece of glass! I know that it’s
going to take a lot of self-motivation to even get myself in a store that has
swimwear. I am already dreading in itself the thoughts of walking out on the
beach and imagining how many snapchats will be sent to people with me being the
subject of some sort of mockery.
It’s not that I want to look this way…the way that I imagine
people think of me. In fact looking down at myself I don’t feel like I’m a
prime candidate for Jenny Craig or Weight Watchers – it’s that darn mirror that
paints a different picture. The time will come that hopefully I will get a grip
on this challenge of losing weight, but until then I have tried to put a
different perspective on what I am really about.
I have learned a valuable lesson though through this
transformation from a size 4 to a size 14. I look at women who have the same
issue with size as myself and I think differently than I used to. At one time I
looked at those ladies and thought to myself “hmmm wonder if they have always
been “big”? The same way that I used to think of myself when I looked in the
dreaded mirror (or as I like to think of it – a creation by Satan himself). I now
though try to have a different perception of not only myself, but those other
women as well that are in the same boat as me. I think about the fact that I am
the same person on the inside that I have always been. I still am loving. I
still love to laugh and try to be funny. I still genuinely care about people
and what they go through. I still would move mountains for the people I love….none
of these things have changed about me. It’s only the outward appearance that
has. So now when I look at other women I
wonder to myself what they feel – are their feelings about the whole “the
outside vs the inside” debate the same as mine? I wonder if they have the same
insecurities. I wonder if they feel inadequate in ways that are superficial. I
wonder if when they look in the mirror if they see the person that I see when I
look at myself…the person who wants to look great in a swimsuit, but if I don’t
I’m still the same individual – just in a bigger proportion….for now.
The most important thing that I have to remember - and that
I have to remind myself of - is that as much as I hate the darn mirror, I can’t
allow it to make me feel bad about myself. I have to look at the mirror and
realize that what I see in my reflection only describes me – it’s doesn’t
define me.
