When I was a little girl I remember thinking about all the things that I wanted to be when I grew up. I would watch Nancy Drew thinking I wanted to be a detective. I watched The Brady Bunch thinking I wanted to have a house full of kids. And I would see movie stars on TV and think I wanted to be rich and famous. At one point I even entertained the idea of being Wonder Woman (that was of course before I realized that spinning around ridiculously fast wouldn't change me into a patriotic bodysuit).
As I got older a lot of those fantasies diminished and I looked more at the reality of things. I set my mind on becoming someone who could do good in the world or someone who would have a nice office with my name on a fancy desk top name plate or on my door. I always knew that I wanted children, but as I got more realistic in life I knew that I only wanted at least 3. I started college under the pretense of becoming a psychologist so that I could help people solve their problems...and then...well my ambition overloaded my mind and I ended up throwing my hands in the air and saying "I just can't do this!"
At the ripe old age of 23 I was married and had my first child and in the years to follow would become a mother to three wonderful children. But my career happiness was up in the air and no matter what path I took I couldn't find the satisfaction that I searched so desperately for. Now I'm 47 and to be honest I still don't know what I am looking for. I have wrestled with the [what seems like unanswerable question] what do I really - I mean REALLY want in life?
I have been overwhelmingly blessed with some good jobs that I enjoyed what I did, but to be honest I don't know that I have ever been truly happy. This of course starts you on a tailspin of thoughts asking yourself - "What is happiness...really?" I mean do you even realize what it is if it just slaps you in the face?
I have had a variety of jobs - all of which I have devoted myself to 110% to try to be the best at what I did. But in doing those jobs I never quite felt the philosophy "if you have a job you love - you will never work a day again in your life." So here I am at 47...3 years away from 50 and still have no idea what direction that my life is taking. The only thing that I have any certainty of is my job as a mother. That is the one thing that no matter how hard it may be, how heartbreaking is can be or how stressful it may become- I am happy with that job.
I am trying to find that peace with myself now that there is a door out there that hasn't opened yet. Perhaps because I keep taking the wrong path (it would much easier in life to have a map to guide you instead of your instincts); or perhaps it's simply because God doesn't feel like I'm quite ready yet for what He has in store for me. Regardless what the answer is, I'm not going to give up. I know that out there...somewhere... is a place for me. A place for me to discover and a place waiting to be discovered. I just have to have patience and stop trying so hard to look for the missing part of the puzzle, because in actuality there's a puzzle that I am the missing piece to and it's completion is based on me finding my place to where I fit in. Please don't get me wrong - I am very grateful for every job I have ever had. My whole point to this thought process is that I just don't feel like I have found that place that I fit in...like I'm supposed to. Maybe I'm an overachiever and I just feel like there is always more out there than what I am accomplishing.
For now, I'm just going to be patient, choose my paths more carefully and trust that I will find what completes me. But most of all I'm going to focus more on finding happiness with what I have than needing to find something to make me happy.
