Making memories and remembering that you did

I had always thought that the older that you get the less hectic that life gets and the more time you have to relax. Gosh was I ever wrong! It seems like it is the exact opposite in fact. This past year it has almost been as if I was meeting myself coming and going because there was so much going on with just life in general.
I feel like at times that I am divided into to so many roles that I have to play that eventually everyone gets cheated one way or another out of their allotted time. Back before Christmas it was really weighing heavy on my mind how fast the year had gone by and how it was really just a blur to me. I thought about so many of the significant things that had happened over the last [almost] 365 days and some of the most major changes that had occurred in my children's lives. My oldest fell in love and moved out the first part of the year; my middle graduated high school, started college and completed her first semester over a course of 6 months time, and my son who is my youngest got his first job and his learner's permit within 3 months time.
As I thought about all these things occurring in their lives, it was almost as I slammed on the brakes on my car and was suddenly jolted into the reality of the fact of my children not being little anymore. I then began assessing and reassessing my role as a mother and wondered if I had "done enough" for them over the years. Oh I know they were cared for. They were fed. They had a roof over their heads. They were nursed back to health when they were sick. And although they may not have had everything they wanted....well I tried to make sure they had everything they needed. I wondered then, as I have since they were little, if they would remember all those things. Will they remember the basics in life that I provided for them? Well...I'm sure they will. It's ridiculous to think that they won't remember warm beds to sleep in, cooking for them (certainly not as much as I should have), taking care of them, etc. You get the picture - right?
What bothered me though about them growing up so fast was the question even more so....did I give them memories? Have I given them something to carry on with their children? Have I given them good times of laughter, fun and special times in the midst of all my working 2 & 3 jobs and spending too many late night hours figuring on budgets, check books and bills?
All of this sudden rush of nostalgia just overwhelmed me. I wanted to cry. I wanted to turn back time and have a do-over! I felt suddenly as if no matter how many awards I could get for being a hard worker, no matter how many pats on the back I could receive for being a dedicated employee, how many bills I paid off....none of that was important. All I could think about was what have I cheated my children out of and is it too late?? I felt like I was being visited by the ghost of Christmas past and this was my own "Ebenezer Scrooge confrontation with what's really important". I struggled for days and sleepless nights beating myself up with guilt. I felt like the "mother of the year" award that I had so desperately strived for had no chance of ever sitting on my mantle.
It really seemed to put a damper on the holidays, but then one night it was as if God felt like I had punished myself enough for my shortcomings as a parent and I received this text from my oldest daughter Jess. She had sent me a picture of their Christmas tree in her new home and down below it she said "remember when you would always put "When The Grinch Stole Christmas" on while we decorated the tree? Well I've started that tradition with my little family." I stood there with tears in my eyes and was speechless. It was exactly what I needed to hear.
The holidays were so crazy this year and all my normal rules and procedures for Christmas were completely out of whack. I had wrapped my presents at my mom's house and had to bring them down on Christmas Eve. It was late and Kai & Eli were still up. I asked them to help me carry the gifts in. They did and so I went ahead and put them under the tree. There was no reason I thought to wait until they went to bed; they are after all 15 & 18. But as I spread them under the tree they both just sat there and they had the strangest looks on their faces. Kai speaks up and says "this is the first time you have ever put the presents under the tree in front of us" Eli finished it off with "yeah you always let us just wake up surprised."
Well....while that was heartbreaking as a mother that I felt like I had shattered a tradition - I also felt like it was another sign from God that maybe perhaps I was being too hard on myself. Maybe just maybe I have given them memories to reflect back on and to repeat with their own children. And while they have obviously outgrown their belief in the big guy dressed in red & white, they have not outgrown the things that made that special time just that...special. I can only hope that the memories that I have created for them or made with them are more than just at Christmas time and I'm certain that they are; but to be honest I think that was a special gift for me and Christmas was just the right setting for it to be given to me...the reassurance that I have been there to give them memories and that maybe I didn't mess up [too bad].
Lesson learned...they are never to old to stop making memories and from now on the presents go under the tree while visions of sugar plums dance in their heads and not a moment before!

Looking beyond the flaws and imperfections

I have this beautiful painting that hangs in my dining room. Some time during a move the painting was bumped against something and some of the gold paint on the frame was chipped off. I love that picture and decided that the chipped part was insignificant and hung it anyway. Every time I walk past that picture I am distracted by that little chipped piece of the frame and I focus on it instead of the actual picture.
I have come to the conclusion that we as humans allow ourselves to do the same to others. If we spot the smallest flaw in someone one, whether it be in physical appearance or in the form of a mistake they have made, that is what we seemed to instantly focus on.
Recently in a political situation in the county where I live the whole political scene has become a three ring circus of people against people. There are those that cheer on the person that they support and those that go to all lengths and measures to bring someone down. I have been personally involved in all that has gone on in a few different aspects and as it has all unfolded I have seen more than my fair share of sides of people that I wish I had never seen. It has almost at some point made me lose faith in humanity.
Sitting back in observance of all that has played out it has made me put into perspective that life in general is a lot like this political fiasco that has taken place. It's very saddening to me that people are the way that they are. People are funny creatures; they long for acceptance and appreciation, but yet in return they often more times than not try to find the bad in someone even when it is not transparent instead of searching for the perfections beneath the imperfections. It's almost as if we (including myself as a guilty party) instantaneously feel a need to find another person's flaw instead of a desire to see what is good. It's not necessarily that we want others to fail, it's just that it's so easy to see one thing wrong with someone and to form an opinion by that.
I, myself would probably be sent off to a prison of with cells designed for those with bad judgement and I would be hard pressed to find representation that could prove me innocent. It's not that I seek out to find the bad, it's just that it's easier to notice at times than it is to see the good. I am at fault with Patrick my significant other when he makes me mad, my family when I feel neglected and abandoned by them, or even my friends or acquaintances when I feel that they have overlooked me or forgotten about me. I don't look at the bigger picture. I don't see that the good outweighs the bad, I don't invest my time in finding a solution; instead I give into the taking the low road and I judge, criticize or just plain out don't give someone a chance to prove me wrong.
I wish I knew what it is about human nature that we act as we do. Why do we prefer to look at a flaw or imperfection rather than the beauty of a person? Perhaps it's because it's like my relationship with my picture, I see it's flaw, I know it's there, and I can't quit looking at the chipped piece of paint because I don't look past it to see what is beyond it.
Things bring out the worse in us as humans; whether it's a heated election, a feud with a loved one, or a bad situation.We would all be in a better place, in a happier universe, and in a more perfect world if we could look past the chips and the flaws of the person and focus on the soul and the heart inside the frame.

How a broke down Cobalt put things in perspective

Last week my car broke down. It had been a long time coming I'm certain because everyday there was some symptom that indicated that it was circling the drain. Initially when it happened I just locked myself in the bathroom and cried for what seemed like forever. After I had time to evaluate the situation and think about it I realized that I had overlooked something about the whole thing. While my car was sitting there lifeless at the time I thought about the fact that I have had my 2006 Chevy Cobalt since 2007. It now has 195,000 miles on it and the seats are worn out and it has a few dents and dings. After thinking about the whole ordeal it was easy to look back with retrospect and to see that the end result of a disabled car was not what the big picture was. What was important was that it COULD HAVE broken down as I was driving it and me & whoever else was in the car could have been hurt really bad or killed and that the car has really served it's purpose for a long time with nothing major happening that would have resulted in a mere fortune to fix.
Since all the revelation of positive thinking stirred about in my sometimes feeble mind I have thought a lot about how many times there has been a similar situation in my life involving a person. I thought about how people are so easy to do the same thing that I did with my car. It's so easy to get mad at someone or to get upset over something that is most of the time a simple mistake or something that was said or done wrong. We are so eager to just write that person out of our lives and not even think about the positive things that he or she may have done for us before this mistake happened.
I remember having a talk with my dad one time about someone that had upset me and really hurt my feelings. He listened to my side of the story and then with his [ever so practiced] compassion he responded with a question. He asked me "What do you feel is most important that you remember about this person? Is it all the good times you have had, all the laughter you have shared or is it the hurt that you feel right now?" I didn't even have to answer because it was obviously all over my face what my thoughts were without me saying them out loud. He went on to say "ya see sis if the shoe was on the other foot - you would want them to remember the good not the bad; so you gotta be able to do the same in return."
While a car is just materialistic- I still had to put into perspective that just because it was broke down it didn't mean that I didn't have something to be thankful for. People are so much more important than material things because they have emotions. They are hurt the same as we are and often times one bad thing can make us forget all the good that is in that person or all the good that they have done.
Luckily (or should I say blessed was I and not lucky) my car was fixable for now. So I'm back on the road again running the tires off of it and not even thinking about it breaking down - because obviously that isn't what is important. It's the same with individuals; be thankful for what they have done, don't dwell on them hurting you and when it's all fixed and the damage is repaired - go forward and look ahead...not behind - unless it's something worth looking back on.

Those words once said are like bullets.....

Several years ago I worked with a Chief at the Knox Co Sheriff's Dept. He was one of the wisest people I to this day have ever met. At times he was short and to the point and yet sometimes he turned his thoughts into words that were something that you would carry with you for years to come. I remember one day we were discussing a topic, and although I don't recollect what the conversation was about; something he said has stuck with me for almost 30 years. He made the comment "Words once spoken are like bullets fired - they can never be recalled."
I don't have a lot of talent, but some would say that I have been blessed with a gift of words. At times that is a blessing and at others perhaps a curse. I used to joke and say that I can either make you feel all warm and fuzzy inside or if you push me to the "dark side" I can cut you like a knife with words.
On an occasion from time to time I will have someone tell me "I remember when you told me this and I have never forgotten it." At those moments I hold my breath for a moment and hope that what follows next is that the words were of an encouraging manner more so than a negative aspect. I regretfully have said things to those that I love without thinking and said something hurtful. I am ashamed to say that out of anger with my children over something I have said things that with a broken heart I know made them sad or hurt them. My significant other Patrick can probably attest to the fact that, on more occasions than not, I have been hateful or just down right mean about something. I'm perhaps the worlds worst for not thinking through what the after effects might be before I say something or I don't go by the unnamed rule "count to ten before you speak".
On the exact opposite end of the spectrum from time to time I have given good advice, helpful insight or said just what someone needed to hear. But regardless of scenario I might use as an example it is safe to say that I am quite certain that along the way, whether it be for the better or the worse, I know that some of my words have quite possibly haunted a mind, a heart or a soul long after I have said them.
This week though the shoe was on the other foot. I had something said to me that I have not quite been able to shake. It seems as though the words from this person have repeatedly rang through the sometimes empty hallways of my brain. I was at a local convenient store that I go to quite often. The store switched new ownership a couple years ago and since then I have made it my personal mission to make them have small talk with me when I go in there. FINALLY after several months I got the 2nd shift guy to finally talk back. After my visit though this last time, I'm not sure that by allowing that challenge to become an accomplishment, that I really benefited myself. I didn't realize until that moment that the cliche "silence is golden" really does hold water.
This man (who is from a foreign country) I'm sure didn't mean anything to hurt my feelings or upset me. In fact, I think that he thought he was wording his question how he should. He asked me if I had a sister and when I replied yes, he responded with the question "Is she big like you?" Well now...how do you really take a question like that without knowing instantly that his description of "big" referred to my weight? After all anyone that knows me knows that I quite often when saying I'm 5'3 1/2 emphasize on the "1/2 part" like it makes so much taller than 5'3. Therefore with complete certainty I know the "big" reference had absolutely nothing to do with my height! Those who know me best know that on a daily basis I struggle with a midlife weight gain that probably set some kind of record of the "most weight gained in the shortest period of time."
I cannot for the life of me shake those words and now every time I look at a menu and want to order fries, but  I order broccoli instead. While at the moment of the question I literally wanted to crawl under the nearest rack of Frito Lay chips or seek shelter behind the Slim Jim section and then all the way out to my vehicle fought back the tears. That question has now later resulted in fuel to the fire of my desire to lose weight.
I'm sure that had the man known that he drove a stake through my heart that is already overly sensitive about my weight issue that he would have perhaps chosen his words a little differently. Nonetheless the words were said and there was no way of taking them back.
While hurtful as this lesson was, it taught me that choosing the best words is always worth counting to ten before you speak, but most of all it taught me that we take the words that effect us and we can alter the outcome of what those words did to inspire us sometimes to do better or to be a better person.
Hurtful words come in all shapes and sizes. As a speaker we need to learn to word things in a manner that won't cause mental or emotional damage to someone; but as a recipient of those same words it's entirely up to us to use those words as a stumbling block or we can use them as a stepping stone to better ourselves. For me....I won't forget for a very long time those words, and hopefully even longer than that I will always remember the impact that they had and maybe just maybe I will achieve my ultimate goal of being a size 7 again by allowing those words to have a positive influence on me. So if you see me and I'm doing something that will help me achieve this goal that you will know that I'm being encouraged by words that could have destroyed me, but instead made me stronger.

Giving them roots is much easier than giving them wings

In the last few months there has been a dramatic change in my household. This time last year my home consisted of me, my three children and my granddaughter. Add that up and you get 5 of us - 4 being female, which left my son swimming in an estrogen ocean. About 4 months ago my oldest daughter found love and moved out with her daughter to a fresh new start. Two weeks ago I moved my middle child into her dorm as she started college. So now it's just me and "the boy" as we females commonly have referred to him since his sister gave him that nickname. It's a big adjustment to go from 5 to 2 living in the house. At least my daughter still comes home on the weekends from college, but still for those 5 days it's a big change!
I knew this day would come. I knew that my children would one by one leave the nest and there I would be...without them to tell good night or wake them up of a morning. I knew that eventually there would be less places set at the table and that the meals would less and less to prepare. I knew the laundry pile would go down and I knew that the hot water would last longer when there weren't so many people to take showers. But to be honest I just didn't think it would happen so fast. One would think that having 18 years to prepare for this once each of them were born would give me an ample amount of time to brace myself for this. I was wrong. I know that my son Eli is soon to be 15, but I know as well that in only 1,122 short days (give or take a few) his time to go out in the world will come.
It seems like only last week that I was washing bottles, folding onesies and rocking them to sleep. I swear it was only yesterday that I took each of their small hands and walked them into that big world of kindergarten. I look back through the last 24 years (that's how old my oldest daughter Jess is) and to be truthful it really is just a blur. I went from having my hands full to rubbing my hands together in complete void.
I am a complete mess of confusion, doubt, emptiness, but also pride, happiness at the same time. I feel this enormous void encircling me and filling me up slowly. What will I do with myself without them needing me like before? I know that on occasion I will still get a text or a phone call with an all familiar voice on the other end saying "Mom, I don't feel good." or "Mom, I need some help with something." But that job is only part time in comparison to getting up every hour on the hour to check temperatures or staying up till wee hours in the morning completing a school project and giving it some extra special touches for extra points or a few oooh's and ahhh's from the teacher and fellow students.
Instead now I give advice over the phone..."take some Tylenol, eat some soup, drink lots of fluids..." It's just not the same. I look back to the countless times they would come crawl in bed with me just for the added security of knowing I was there, or how many times I sat outside the bathroom door waiting for what seemed like hours for a virus to go away so they felt better. The other night my oldest decided to make my lasagna that it is a family recipe. I wanted to cry and smile at the same time at the thought of her standing in front of her own stove fixing what I had fixed for her when she was at home. It wasn't the same though as her standing in the kitchen and me showing her how to make a marinara sauce from scratch.
The worst thing though at this point is the regret that you have for the times that you wasted, the times that you could have done more. I wish I had taken more time out of my own schedule to accommodate theirs more. I wish I had listened more to their stories and asked more about their days. I wish that I had traditions that I had created for them to pass on to their own children. And I wonder if I taught them enough. Did I teach them all they need to know to be out in this cruel and insane world?
I suppose that the list of questions that could flood my mind could be endless. I know that as long as I allow it to happen that doubt will fill my mind as to whether I have equipped them properly for the continuation of their journey through life....without me right there beside them. I have to learn to let it go and most importantly...I have to learn to let them go.
Every year when I put up my Christmas tree I look at the ornaments and I tell my kids and others that as long as my children are in my house that my tree will be decorated with memories of each of them. There are handmade ornaments, significant ones for each like 1st, 2nd, 3rd Christmas, ornaments from school or church. And I tell them one day when my kids are grown and gone then I will have a fancy tree like you see in the windows of the local florist. I think about it now and realize that will be a reality all to soon when the last one leaves the nest and I'm thinking as pretty as those trees in the window are they will never mean as much as the one I have had for years. I'm certainly going to enjoy it much more the next few years that's for sure.
There's this saying that first you give them roots and then you give them wings. I know that the time has come for two of them and in the near future for my youngest to spread their wings and fly and I know that I have had time to prepare those wings...I just wish I had a little more time for the roots.

When the parents aren't looking

Recently I have been blessed to have been asked to undertake the role of assistant youth leader in my church. While those that know me know that it is no secret that I dearly love kids of all ages, it was still a tad bit scary to take on "the teenagers". They have a mind of their own and sometimes they can been kind of hard to relate to. It's not because they are mean or corrupted or anything of that nature - it's because they are their own breed and to be frankly honest somewhat intimidating and often times very confusing to read. But it's not their fault - the aliens of the hormone world have invaded their bodies and they have been taken over.
I can sit down in my sun room and have a heart to heart talk with any child of any age [boy or girl] and in some way some how relate to them and talk to them for hours. But being a leader and someone who offers them guidance on a regular basis - well that in itself is very intimidating and quite the challenge. These minds that they have are fragile and can be so easily influenced; so saying just the right thing all the time was something that I was concerned about more than anything. Realizing that I have taken on the role of a grown-up with wisdom outside their paternal surroundings brought me to the realization that what I say or don't say will some where down the road be an influence possibly on some decisions that these kids make.
I am quite the talker, in fact I could talk the ears off a brass monkey if the truth be told. But when I decided to make this commitment to these kids I decided that my first assignment that I had given myself was to sit back and just listen....that's all...just listen. To my surprise I learned much more than I anticipated. When children [no matter what age] are in their freedom zone away from their parents I think they are more at ease to just let loose with their thoughts, ideas and emotions without the fear of repercussion for their honesty. I have sat there for an entire class and not said a single word and have learned one thing more than any other. That bit of knowledge gained was that these kids have learned a lot in life by the things that their parents have taught them. I would almost wager to guess that most of their parents have never realized just how much these kids have listened to them and learned from the examples that they have set.
A question that was presented to the kids this past week was how do you honor your parents when they aren't around? One by one the responses amazed me of the kids and how they should behave in society. Innocent answers that they had no idea how significant that they were in what they should do and what they shouldn't do.Their answers ranged from how to "not do" certain things that their parents wouldn't want them to do to what they "should do" in certain scenarios. I have this one young man in my class Ryan who has been raised by a single mom. When he was asked about a "what if" situation I watched him intently as he proclaimed that did he not do as he should he knew what would happen if his mom found out. He then proceeded to elaborate on how he knew what his mom would do if he didn't do what she asked of him the first time that she asked. I have known Ryan for several years and always thought very highly of him because of his attitude and his behavior. Most of the time he has been with his mom [who is one of my very best friends] and I have witnessed firsthand his respect that he has for her. But those times that I have seen him in his own world without her there, like in class for an example he has been exactly the person that she has molded him to be without her being there to pull puppet strings and guide him in his actions.
This class has taught me in the short time that I have been in there that even though a lot of these parents may feel at times that they are fighting a losing battle with a child who is a typical teenager - they have taught them more than what they realize. As scary as it is to let our children go out into the big ole world and spread their wings we have to realize as a parent that the important part of their spreading their wings to fly is to know that we have given them roots to grow. The same as you nurture anything else - the same as it is with our children - we take care of them and they will grow. But as a parent what we have to remember is that growth isn't just a physical aspect - it's much more.
I have received blessing after blessing watching these kids and seeing what it is that they have to offer of themselves to the world and it all started out with parents who cared enough to nurture them so that when they aren't there to see them that they are still the person that they are expected to be.

Preachin' your own funeral

Okay so yes the title is a little morbid you might think, but hear me out and you will see why I have chosen this title.
This past week a dear and precious friend of mine lost her father suddenly. Saturday night we were at the funeral home and as the preacher spoke he was telling all these wonderful stories of her dad. As he was about to finish up he made a comment that I have had ringing in my ears ever since then. He said "I really didn't have to get up here and say anything, because as all these people came through to pay their respects I realized that he basically preached his own funeral."
I looked around at that moment and saw the pews of the room filled with people who loved Charles and how they wiped the tears from their eyes obviously thinking about the void that their lives would have without him in it. I thought back to my own father's funeral and about all the people that came by and how they had such nice things to say about my dad. I knew these things about him, but it was still a comfort to hear them out loud. I realized at that moment that we all basically preach our own funerals that will come one day by the impact that we leave in other's lives. It was then that it dawned on me more than ever the importance of how we treat people. We can offer kindess and spread happiness or we can leave an impression on people that is the exact opposite.
I've thought a lot since that service and the preacher's words about the impact that certain people have had on my life, and I've thought even more so about the impression that I have left on the lives and in the minds and hearts of people that I come across. My mother and father spent all of my adolescent years teaching me the [most important rule perhaps] in life - the golden rule. After all gold is symbolic of being first place - so therefore that tells you that as a person that rule should always be the first and take presidence over the others. Treating others how we want to be treated is what we should all strive for.
I try to be cautious how I treat people and on those ocassions when I am hateful, rude or just basically socially unacceptable, well I feel bad and I should. I don't want the lasting impression that I leave on someone to be that kind of perception that I am mean, cold-hearted or insensitive. When the time comes that my children, a spouse or my family stand in the places of those this weekend that stood as final goodbyes were spoken or memories were reflected; I hope that I will have made them proud. I hope that when people think of me that I will have preached my own funeral with kind thoughts, pleasant recollections and smiles behind the tears.
As easy (too easy unfortunately some times) as it is to get upset, hurt someone's feelings, or speak without thinking of the repurcussions; it should be even more easy to overlook the indiscretions of others and speak a kind word or offer a helping hand to someone instead.
My dad always used to tell me that you should make a new friend every day and that if you are blessed enough you will at least have 6 of them to carry you in the end. It's my wish that for the remainder of my life that I will strive to leave such a positive impression on others that there will be no need for words to tell how I lived my life, that instead the line will go on and on of those that were impacted by me in a manner to which they wanted to stop by just to tell my family that I will be missed.
So just remember as you go through life to live it so that you can preach your own funeral by a multitude of people having nothing to say about you but good things.

Tucked away in our little corner of the world

Living in a small town community some people think that we are deprived of the luxuries in life. Obviously we don't have big chain restaurants, malls or movie theatres. Instead though we are overwhelmed with the simpler things in life. I mean when you think about it, how many people can say that they have mountains for a backdrop to their ball fields, a river that runs through part of their community, trees by the thousands that compliment the scenery or a clear vision of stars on a mountain top that seem so close that you feel like you could reach out and touch them?
Living in a small town though means so much more than the views through your windshield as you drive to work or to a neighbor's house. We have a community that consists of either knowing just about everyone or at least being able to just mention a name and someone in the crowd knows exactly who they are or at least half know the family. It is a world where you can go into the local gas station and the store clerk knows you and calls you by name or knows you well enough that you can buy on credit because you forgot your wallet at home or you can write a check without having to provide 2 pieces of proof of identity. You can drive down the road and not double check to see if your doors are locked if you see a person standing on the side of the road because more than likely you are going to roll down your window and ask them if they need a ride and not think twice about sharing the vehicle with them. A person can go to work and not worry whether they locked their front door because in almost every place the neighbor is a childhood friend or a member of your family, and it's an unwritten guarantee that your house is being watched over without you even having to ask.
In this rather close knit society it's a place where you are missed when you don't go to a local ballgame or you aren't at church on Sunday. And as a parent it's a comfort within itself that your child is also the adopted child of at least 3 or 4 other families and you know that without hesitation that one of those non-biological family members can be called on at any time if your child needs help.
The summer times consist of groups of kids by the dozen jumping fearlessly off the iconic bridge just up the road from town or gathered up at the beach drive in swimming in the ice cold river water. The winter weather means big bonfires for those of all ages and taking food to those that can't get out in the weather, because those in need might not be your own mom and dad - but it's some one's that you know or that you've met and that's reason enough to watch after them.
Sure the disadvantage to living in a small town means that rumors and gossip spread like wildfire - but it also means that if someone is sick or there's been a death then that same link connects enough people in the community together to feed an army or have a fundraiser that everyone and their brother shows up to so that you can bid on homemade baskets to raise some money to pay for whatever their need is.
A small town in my opinion is just an example of a Utopian society where everybody knows somebody and we take care of each other. It has it's downs like it's ups, but in the end I would wager to say that if given the choice of living in a metropolis where you seldom pass a familiar face on the sidewalk or living in a small town with a population of less than a thousand - deep down a lot of us would give up a five minute drive to a mall in order to have five minutes of the peace and sanctity of knowing that you always have someone watching out for you. Yes, I have to say being tucked away in our own little part of the world where you don't just know your neighbor's name by the letters on the side of their mailbox, but instead know them on a first name basis is the kind of world everyone should have a chance to experience.

Just being there is what is important

The past two weekends I have been up at 6:00 a.m the first weekend and 5:45 a.m. the second weekend. You would think that it being Saturday mornings I would grumble and gripe about my day off starting off with me getting up with the chickens - an hour earlier than I get up for work. But those days were spent sitting in the blazing hot sun at a softball field for 13 hours one Saturday and sitting on hard bleachers most of the day looking at the hardwood of a basketball court the other. Again you would think I would complain or fuss about being in those conditions - but I really wouldn't have rather been anywhere else.
As I was on my way to my second job after spending one of these days watching my kids play their sport of choice and was telling someone that I was wore out from being where I was all day. Their response was "that's no body's fault but your own. It's not going to hurt them for you not to be there."
Those words have stuck in my mind ever since then.
Raising kids is very time consuming and it's very expensive - especially if you have one, two or three involved in sports. I know that when people hear the struggles of a single mom and know that their kid plays sports that in their mind the first thing that they think is "well not letting them play would solve some of those problems." But as much as I have done without and as many sacrifices as I have made for them to play it is all worth it to see the happiness that it brings them when they hit a double , score a 3 pointer or achieve the perfect posture in a cheer stunt.
I sit at the ball games and watch these kids that never have a parent there to look up at in the stands when they make those achievements. I listen to kids give me excuses as to why their parents aren't there and all the while I know that their hearts ache for an opportunity to have a parent there to cheer them on. I try to cheer hard for those kids because I know [that although they act like they don't know me sometimes] my kids love to know I'm there to yell at a referee for a bad call or scold them for a bad shot or a swing they shouldn't have taken. Even though I'm not the parent of one of those kids yearning for someone just to notice when they do something good - I know it makes them feel noticed.
Don't get me wrong I know there are some parents who have to work and have no choice but to miss those milestones of their child's life and I know that every chance that they have to be there - they are. What I don't understand is the parent who just chooses not be and has no valid reason for their absence. Even if that particular sport or any sport in general isn't their cup of tea - it's their child playing and doing something that they love.
I have come to realize though that it isn't just the importance of sitting in the stands of a sporting event - it's every event in your child's life that you should want to be a part of. Even if you can't be there - you should have the "want to" to be there. I remember telling my middle daughter one time that I didn't know if I would be at church one particular Sunday and that there would be some Sundays I might not be there for a certain reason. At 17 she had this almost pouty look on her face and said I don't like when you aren't there. I reminded her that doesn't sit with me that she sits with the other youth. Her response was "but I know you are there."
I fall short every day of being a perfect parent. I am too lenient on them when it comes to pulling their load, I don't put my phone down long enough some times to focus on what they are telling me, and I let them down a lot I'm sure. But the one thing I can always do and be good at is being their fan and cheering them on. Whether it's running out a double play, pulling down a rebound or achieving an award at work - I want my kids to know that what they do is important enough for me to support them.
So yes - I spend A LOT of time watching sports in an uncomfortable environment some times, I sit through some long programs at school and I on occasion use my lunch break on the road to spend a few minutes with my eldest for lunch. I do sacrifice a lot to be able to do those things and I go without a lot of things to allow them the opportunity to chase their dreams. But the one thing I never regret giving up is my time. They are almost grown now and these moments will all to soon be a thing of the past. So for now it isn't "no body's fault but my own" - it's a privilege that's all my own.
If you are a parent that misses theses moments and it's not because you can't go, but instead because you don't think it's important - then that is no body's fault but your own.

Heidi Klum has nothing on me...well for now maybe she does

It seems like since my last birthday the struggle has been more real than ever to be happy with myself. I'm daily trying to convince myself that losing weight should not be this hard. I have tried the fitness pal app on my phone and it seemed to work a little, but to be honest I think that this electronic beast expected so much from me and no matter what I tried to do to please her - well it just wasn't possible. A good friend of mine did it and he is a perfect example of what one should achieve by doing it. I tried working out with some of my girlfriends and if it wasn't for the fact that deep down I know they love me I would've sworn they were trying to kill me. I even told myself every night that my day wouldn't come to a successful ending unless I went to bed feeling like I had just channeled Jillian Michaels - but that was a constant argument between the proposed skinny me sitting on one shoulder and the real me sitting on the other. I tried to get into the walking thing - to the point of walking 6 miles in 20 degree weather, gasping for breath before my lungs froze and crumbled inside me. I even (when no one was looking of course - because my daughter has repeatedly told me I shouldn't do it in public) have tried...or at least tried to run on some occasions. But to be perfectly honest I think that it should probably be considered a hazard to my well being, because the faster I tried to run the more I felt as if my inner thighs were going to spontaneously combust from all the friction between them. At the end of each futile attempt to gain a smoking hot body I have almost resigned to the fact that I still haven't found what is going to work for me.
I cannot fathom why to some people that losing weight is so easy....or that it looks like that anyway. I have this one friend of mine that has lost an amazing amount of weight and looks fabulous! I asked her to tell me her secret, as it was obvious that nothing else was getting the job done for me. She tells me to limit myself to 30 carbs a day - no bread, no potatoes, no sweets and carbonated beverage products. Well it's quite obvious that I have not achieved this larger version of me by skipping the bread and potato part of the side dishes on the menu; in fact I have a rather close relationship with those two and am having a harder time letting them go than my favorite pair of shoes that I wore until a hole was worn through them. It's not like those two can't survive without ME - it's more of a me not surviving without THEM kind of dilemma. It's giving separation anxiety a whole new meaning. BUT once again I'm going to put forth the effort.
I was sitting looking at a magazine tonight with Heidi Klum on the front, taunting that not so very nice part of me that rarely comes out, as she was plastered all over the cover with her swimsuit that was more skimpy than a mosquito net. The fact that she could make a blind man drool is not so much the dagger through my ego as the fact that she is older than I am and looks like she has the body of me when I was 20.
I truly believe that deep inside of me is a much skinnier me that is dying to escape the part of me that surrounds her. I know beyond any doubt that there IS a way to devise an escape plan for that skinny me, but for the life of me I can't figure out what the plan is.
I have been told more times than I can count that after about the age of 35 that it grows increasingly harder to lose weight and I would believe that analogy is somewhat true if it wasn't for the fact that my Mom has had no problem doing it and she is...well let's say a few (not a lot) of years older than me and by the way she looks amazing!
I was flipping through a magazine on the way home from a business trip the other day and they had this section on Hollywood moms who had no signs of having a baby 2, 5 or 6 months ago. Are you kidding? What did they do give birth to? A guppy??? My youngest child is almost 15 and I am STILL carrying my "baby fat" from him. Heck if the truth me known, I'm sure that my 24 year can still take some of the blame for leaving her part of that baby fat behind too.
I can make excuses all day long for not being the person that I am happy with. I can look down and pretend that I don't look THAT bad - but in actuality that person that I wonder who she is as I walk towards a glass door and see my reflection is the person that I really am. I know that one day I will finally wake up and say "okay - enough is enough" and I'll eventually find that me that is long lost and submerged under the me that I don't like very much.
I think that finally that day will come when I walk past the bikini section and wish for the last time that I can make one of those cute little numbers look good and I will finally reach that "I can really do this" stage of my life. Now granted I am more quickly than I would hope approaching 50 - but if I have it my way I will be my own version of Heidi Klum when I look in the mirror - before I reach that milestone in my life.
Until then I guess I will give the no bread and potatoes theory a try, but I'll be honest with you I'm not going to be a happy camper while I'm doing it.

Just trying to find where I fit in

When I was a little girl I remember thinking about all the things that I wanted to be when I grew up. I would watch Nancy Drew thinking I wanted to be a detective. I watched The Brady Bunch thinking I wanted to have a house full of kids. And I would see movie stars on TV and think I wanted to be rich and famous. At one point I even entertained the idea of being Wonder Woman (that was of course before I realized that spinning around ridiculously fast wouldn't change me into a patriotic bodysuit).
As I got older a lot of those fantasies diminished and I looked more at the reality of things. I set my mind on becoming someone who could do good in the world or someone who would have a nice office with my name on a fancy desk top name plate or on my door. I always knew that I wanted children, but as I got more realistic in life I knew that I only wanted at least 3. I started college under the pretense of becoming a psychologist so that I could help people solve their problems...and then...well my ambition overloaded my mind and I ended up throwing my hands in the air and saying "I just can't do this!"
At the ripe old age of 23 I was married and had my first child and in the years to follow would become a mother to three wonderful children. But my career happiness was up in the air and no matter what path I took I couldn't find the satisfaction that I searched so desperately for. Now I'm 47 and to be honest I still don't know what I am looking for. I have wrestled with the [what seems like unanswerable question] what do I really - I mean REALLY want in life?
I have been overwhelmingly blessed with some good jobs that I enjoyed what I did, but to be honest I don't know that I have ever been truly happy. This of course starts you on a tailspin of thoughts asking yourself - "What is happiness...really?" I mean do you even realize what it is if it just slaps you in the face? 
I have had a variety of jobs - all of which I have devoted myself to 110% to try to be the best at what I did. But in doing those jobs I never quite felt the philosophy "if you have a job you love - you will never work a day again in your life." So here I am at 47...3 years away from 50 and still have no idea what direction that my life is taking. The only thing that I have any certainty of is my job as a mother. That is the one thing that no matter how hard it may be, how heartbreaking is can be or how stressful it may become- I am happy with that job.
I am trying to find that peace with myself now that there is a door out there that hasn't opened yet. Perhaps because I keep taking the wrong path (it would much easier in life to have a map to guide you instead of your instincts); or perhaps it's simply because God doesn't feel like I'm quite ready yet for what He has in store for me. Regardless what the answer is, I'm not going to give up. I know that out there...somewhere... is a place for me. A place for me to discover and a place waiting to be discovered. I just have to have patience and stop trying so hard to look for the missing part of the puzzle, because in actuality there's a puzzle that I am the missing piece to and it's completion is based on me finding my place to where I fit in. Please don't get me wrong - I am very grateful for every job I have ever had. My whole point to this thought process is that I just don't feel like I have found that place that I fit in...like I'm supposed to. Maybe I'm an overachiever and I just feel like there is always more out there than what I am accomplishing.
For now, I'm just going to be patient, choose my paths more carefully and trust that I will find what completes me. But most of all I'm going to focus more on finding happiness with what I have than needing to find something to make me happy.

Looking back on motherhood

The past week each time I have been at a store I have noticed the people flocking around the card aisle to pick out their Mother’s Day cards. I’ve heard the question more times than I can count being asked “What are you getting your mom for Mother’s Day?” Of course watching all these people scurrying about to find the perfect card or gift it has made me reflect a lot on me being a mother and what it has meant.

In the midst of all this I have thought a lot about my role as a mother and the roller coaster ride that it has been. I’ve bandaged cuts and scrapes by the hundreds, consoled thousands of tears, laughed at more things my kids have said and done than I can count and been showered with more hugs, kisses and I love you’s than I probably deserved on some days. But becoming a mom is a job that you are basically just thrown into and you think you have all this training that will make you the “perfect mom” because you watched your own mom do it all your life up until that point. (And believe me I had a wonderful example to follow.) But no matter how much I observed over the years, how many books I could have read or how many pointers I could have received – it’s basically a on the job training kind of thing and the times that you succeed are always a hit or miss kind of thing.

I have been extremely blessed that for the most part that they have turned out ok, it has been an uphill battle along the way and to be honest there were things that I could have done differently and definitely much better. As much as I wish they were perfect they each have their flaws and their mistakes that they have made. But even if I had been the perfect mom and did everything right according to Dr. Spock they still wouldn’t be perfect. We have made our mistakes in this children/mother partnership and we have learned a lot of lessons through this journey that we have been on that’s for sure.

It seems like they have grown up so fast and that the hands on the clock just spin faster and faster with each day. My kids are not babies anymore. One of them has a child of her own, the other is graduating next weekend and the youngest one will soon be 15. I swear it just seems like yesterday that it was April 18th 1990 and I was getting my first shot at this thing called motherhood. It’s almost as if I just blinked and the onesies turned into caps & gowns and the Fisher Price plastic key set turned into the real thing. It was like they instantly went from crawling and pulling at my pants legs to heading out the door to the real world and not even looking back.

If I had known that this would happen so fast; that all the opportunities to do things with my kids would have passed me by so quickly I would have done so many things differently. I wouldn’t have worked 2 and 3 jobs at a time – instead I would’ve sacrificed a little more of other things instead of my time. I would’ve listened more to what they had to say and I would’ve appreciated the finger paints and the class projects that hung on my refrigerator more. I would’ve cherished more the moments of them sleeping with me cuddled up beside me and maybe them being a recluse in their bedroom as a teenager wouldn’t be so painful on certain days when I get to missing the times that they actually preferred to sit in the same room with me.

But like other things in life we learn as we go and motherhood is no different. There are really no do-overs – it’s a thing that happens when you aren’t looking and before you know it – well it has left you looking back at a stretch of memories miles long. I think for the most part that I have been a good mom. I have loved my children with all my heart. I have tried to be their biggest fans (and their loudest one). I have watched them each accept Christ with a heart that could have exploded with elation and I have seen them make their ways through struggles – but also through victories.

If I could turn back time to the days that I held their tiny beings in my arms and watched them as they slept there is still no guarantee that knowing what I know now that I would raise them “mistake free”. All I can do is look back with them over the years of being their mother and hope that we can smile at our journey together and hope that they see in the rear view mirror a mother who loved them more than life itself.

So in retrospect thinking about how blessed I am as a mother; it’s nice to for a mom to have her own special day – not because of any award that I can be given, but instead the rewards that I have already received.

Setting an example to follow

Do you ever have a moment that is kind of like an epiphany? You know one of those moments when someone says something that suddenly makes all these bells and whistles go off in your mind? Well I had one of those exact moments this morning at church. I was listening to the preacher as he talked about the examples that we should set for our children.  As he preached I looked over at my youngest daughter who is about to graduate high school in 12 days and as I looked at her for a split second I saw a 5 year old little curly headed girl and then I blinked and there sat a beautiful young woman who is preparing to embark on the next chapter of her life. I thought about how fast life has passed with my children and wondered if I have done them justice in the things that I have tried to teach them.

As I listened to my pastor make reference to the many things in life that we teach our children vs the things that we could’ve taught them, I thought about how it applied to me as a parent.  I know that I have taught my children the basics. You know the parenting 101 stuff like looking both ways before you cross the street, not to stick a fork in a plugged in toaster and don’t cross your eyes or they will stick that way.  But I wonder if I have taught them enough about what the important things in life are. I know that I have taught them to love God above all others. I know that I have taught them that if they have a choice to do right or wrong to always do what is right. I know that I have taught them the golden rule. But through all the talks and the long lectures have I taught them more by words than I have by my actions? I find myself a lot of times (especially since his passing) thinking “how would my dad have handled this situation?” - Probably because my dad was the wisest person that I have ever known.  I learned so much from him just by his every day walk of life. He was the kindest, most compassionate and most forgiving person that I have ever known, and I learned those things about him not by what he said, but by what he did. He wasn’t perfect by any means – none of us are. But when I look back I can’t remember as a parent him ever leading me or any of his children by a bad example. He was just a good person and that simple description says a lot about a person’s character.

I’m certain, without any doubt that I will never measure up to the person that he was. Not because of his failure in teaching, but by my failure in learning. I know that I will not always make the right choices in my children’s lives or in my own. I know that there are certain footsteps of mine that I pray that my children don’t follow. But at the end of the day, when choices have been made and their character is challenged I hope that they will ask themselves if the decision that they made is one that I would’ve made. Because if they ask themselves that question then it means that somewhere along the journey of parenthood that I set more good examples than bad and that it made them think about what I would think of their own actions.

Being a parent is so much more than just bringing a child into the world. It is more than just knowing when to tell them yes and when to tell them no. Being a parent means setting an example that you want them to follow. It means that at the end of the day when they lay their head down to sleep if they are proud of the person that they are – then you have done something right along the way in creating that peace that they have.

Today at my daughter’s baccalaureate service the pastor made reference to a gentleman by the name of George Bernard Shaw. In one of his last interviews he was posed the question “If you could go back to the very beginning of your life and be ANYONE you wanted to be – who would it be?” His response was “to be the man I could’ve have been.”  Even though my oldest daughter is 24 and the other two children are not that many years younger than her, they are still impressionable and can still be influenced by the things that I teach them or the things that I don’t. So my prayer as a parent is that it’s not too late to set an example for them that if that question is ever asked of them that they will have a different answer. There are many things that I want for my children in their lives, and one of the most important things that I want for them is to have no regrets or remorse for the lives that they have lived; that when it is all said and done that they would not want to turn back time and have another chance to be a better person.

See Dad I WAS listening......

My two daughters are always joking with me that my son is my favorite child. One of their famous lines during this joking is "when we have gotten in trouble we got grounded - when "the boy" (as they commonly call him) gets in trouble he gets a new pair of shoes." Just the other day my youngest daughter says “Come on Mom – tell me who you REALLY love the most.” There are times that I have actually thought that they were serious and when that happens I find myself reciting something that my dad used to tell me when I would think that my baby sister was the one that got all the attention. He would take me out to the swing [the place where all the serious talks took place at my house] or on his back porch and he would say "Sis I don't love any of you any more than I do the other one, I just love you all in different ways." He on several occasions would add to his description of his love for us and say " if anyone ever told me to put all of you kids on a pedal stool and pick one who has to die I couldn't do it, they would just have to take my own life...I love you that much." I always walked away from those conversations feeling like I was equal and most importantly feeling reassured of how much he did truly love me.
When I talk to her or either of the other two I wonder if the words that I share with them have the impact on their lives as my dad's words had on me. It was like he had this gift of being able to say exactly what it was that I not necessarily "wanted" to hear, but what I "needed" to hear. It was like he had this secret parent handbook that told him exactly what to say. Now granted there were times that he would have a talk with me and at the time I could only hear the muffled vibration of his words and he somewhat sounded like Charlie Brown's teacher because I [at the time] didn't think that I needed "the talk", so therefore I would let it go in one ear and out the other....or so I thought. But looking back now I obviously listened to what he had to say; at least in my subconscious I did, because to this day I repeat what he told me A LOT of times to my own children.
My dad wasn't a college graduate, he didn't have a certificate of psychology hanging on an office wall and he didn't make me lay on a black couch while he bestowed upon me his words of wisdom. Instead he would use simple analogies or words that didn't require a Webster dictionary to know the meaning of them. He could take situations that I thought had no possible solution to them and he would not only give me a whole new perspective on the matter, but most importantly he would make me feel so much better about things. He would rationally and carefully disperse these answers that I would drive myself crazy trying to find on my own. I would often wonder to myself if his brain ever got full from all the perils of wisdom that obviously he had gathered over the years, but then one day it dawned on me that what he spoke came from the heart not the mind. I soon came to realize that my dad in all his infinite wisdom may not have known everything, but he knew exactly what I needed to hear.
I look back to so many conversations with my dad and his advice, his fore warnings and his general philosophy in life. I could probably write a book on all the things he taught me.
Dad was always open minded and listened and I think that’s what made him even smarter. He was always fair about things and looking back now that meant a lot. I remember one time I was mad as a hornet at my boyfriend Patrick. I went up to talk to Dad and in a rare turn of events summoned him to the back porch to talk. After telling my story I felt sure that Patrick was going to be in for it when he came back to visit Dad and Mom. But alas after I finished talking Dad sat there for a minute and then said “Well Sis I’m sorry I just can’t side with you on this one.” He proceeded to point out where I was wrong in my thinking and gently urged to me to be forgiving and let it go.
I can only hope in the times that I talk to my kids that I am giving them something to take with them into parenthood that will help them instill a little wisdom in their own children along the way. I’m sure there were times that my dad thought I wasn’t paying attention to a word he said. But he taught me so many things in life and I’m so glad I was listening…even when he and I both thought I wasn’t.

The question isn't always "What has happened to our children?"

Today I had an opportunity to visit with one of my favorite teachers from high school. We were reminiscing a little and then got off on the subject of what kids are like today. I brought up the observation that when I was in high school that we had a smoking porch, the boys had their hunting rifles hanging on a rack in the back window of their pick-up trucks and they carried Case knives which they never hesitated to get out and whittle a little. But yet with all these temptations I can't for the life of me remember drugs being an issue or especially school shootings or stabbings being something that you feared or saw on the news. When I was in high school if you got a paddling it was just that - getting your hind end lit up with a board (sometimes with holes drilled in it to cause more of a stinging effect). It wasn't referred to as "corporal punishment" and a parent didn't have to sign a paper saying "yes you can bust my kid's tail and not be sued." AND the worse part of getting a paddling at school meant when you got home I guarantee you that 98% of those kids were marching down the driveway or across the yard to pick their own hickory, because Momma or Daddy was fixin' to finish what the teacher or principal started.
Very few of us drove a brand new car; instead it was usually a Ford LTD, a Chevy Impala or a Ford pick-up that an older brother, sister or uncle drove. We had our proms at the high school in the gym and decorated with tissue paper flowers and a big ole mirror ball hanging from the beams. My senior year I think it was, we branched out and went to a place called Springbrook Country Club about 30 minutes from the school and half of us didn't know how to act. We certainly didn't rent cabins for the night and stay until the next day. We had about a 1:00 in the morning curfew and you better be sure you met it with about 5 minutes to spare for good measure.
Now on the first day of school you [as a parent or guardian] are sent home handbooks with at the least 23 pages that you have to sign and return to guarantee that your child behaves and that you won't sue the pants off the county if they don't. We sign papers for the school nurse (that WE never had) to be able to simply apply some Neosporin to a cut. And yet with all these precautionary measures that we take as we make these solemn oaths - there are still incidents all through the school year of some bad seed kid going against the grain and doing something that they shouldn't.
Kids come to school dressed in garb that my daddy and momma would've laughed at me for even attempting to walk out the door in it, proceeded by them informing me that no child of theirs would be dressing like a hoodlum or a slut. You see Gothic clothes, low cut shirts, and sagging pants (Oh goodness don't get me started on the pants). Parents say "well I can't stop them - they are not a kid anymore." The heck you can't! Someone has to buy these clothes and someone usually has to launder them....so if you participate in either of those actions - you have no one to blame but yourself that you didn't care enough about your child's appearance to say "Whoa - wait just a minute" before they headed out the door.
I find it ironic that in my time that I had access to a gun every where I went just about, could have bought cigarettes at about any store and had every ample chance to purchase beer from the old man with a bad eye out of the back window of an old store on Highway 411 - but yet I was scared to even think about entertaining the idea of trying something I shouldn't.
I was typical teenager - wreaked havoc on the occasion with my mom (because I would rather cut my nose of my than do what she told me to.) But that entailed not cleaning my bedroom or not getting the ironing done. BUT I also knew deep down that I would have a price to pay. So....eventually...and it didn't take long, I saw the writing on the wall and did what I was supposed to.
Today parents won't discipline their kids with a good ole fashioned razor belt or a hickory from the weeping willow tree. And they sure are going to knock their kid's block off - no matter how disrespectful their lovely fruit of their womb is.
I myself am guilty of not raising my own children in the manner that my mom and dad raised me, my brothers and my sister. I give in to easily, let a smart remark slide from time to time and just do the chore myself for the sake of not listening to them say "But Mom...." And the sad thing about it is that I know that I am doing them more harm than good.
Parents either try to be their child's best friend and look the other way instead of being the enemy and putting their foot down; or they just don't have time to "be a parent".
We wonder why society has turned into what it has. We question - "what went wrong with our children?" The problem is not only the children, it's the parents (myself included) who worry about upsetting our kids, trying to outdo the girl/boy's parents that have a child the same age as our own by buying, buying and buying. A huge majority of us have forgotten that in order for our children to be respected they have to be taught respect and most importantly they have to give it.
So the next time that a parent questions why their child is behaving like they are, why they got into trouble or why they are unaware of the proper ways to behave - they don't need to look at the child for answers - instead they need to look in the mirror.
The question is not necessarily always "what has happened to our children?" Instead maybe we should ask what has happened to us as parents.
More importantly I suppose we should ask ourselves - "Is society changing us as parents or are we as parents changing society?"

That love that surpasses the distance....

Today a friend of mine buried her husband and she is left as a widow at the age of 39. Her husband passed away suddenly, without any warning signs at all, on this past Friday. They had been sweethearts through school, married 17 years and they had two precious young sons and what they thought was the rest of their lives together…..

Today is my parent’s wedding anniversary. They have been together in the union of their hearts for 48 years today. She is celebrating this day here on earth without him, as he is in Heaven celebrating it watching over her. They met on a blind date, dated 6 months and married. They were one of the happiest couples I knew and they had 4 children that loved them very much. At the time that my Dad passed they had 9 grandchildren and a great grandchild on the way….

Some would say that the first couple’s lives had only just gotten underway, that they still had so many years ahead of them and so many memories to create. Some would say that the second couple had lived a full life and had been very blessed with many years together and memories galore.

I’ve thought about both of these couples a lot this weekend. I’ve thought about how blessed that they have been to have experienced the love that they had with the person they said those vows to one day. I can’t help but think about how their hearts that have loved so deeply and completely are now those hearts today that must ache for those that they loved.

This day has a totally different meaning to each of these women. To one it will be remembered as the day she said goodbye to a man that she didn’t get to love long enough and to the other it is a day that she has to cherish and celebrate in her heart the love that began this day so many years ago.

I know the pain for both is more than I can fathom or even begin to imagine how it feels as they try to make it through the day. I pray that their hearts will feel peace in knowing that they were both blessed with something that most live a lifetime without.

Some would argue that there is no connection; that these two women have a completely different story. Perhaps that is true. But I look at the big picture; I look at the rarity in finding a love that surpasses the distance between Heaven and Earth and transcends through the skies to bridge that gap between the two places. It is something that so many never have the opportunity to share with someone else or ever experience.   

The one thing that these two very special ladies do have in common is that I am certain, that if given the opportunity, would tell you the same thing….If you are loved by another – cherish that love and never take it for granted.

Tears, Smiles and Memories

Today marks the third year from the day that I lost the most important man in my life…my dad. A friend of mine said the other day while reflecting on her own father’s death that some anniversaries are not to be celebrated, but to be endured. I don’t think I have ever heard it referred to so correctly.

While his leaving left such a void in my life and for those that loved him so much we are left with so many amazing and wonderful memories of him. There’s an old cliché that says – “it’s not what you take with you – but what you leave behind that matters most.” Well with my dad he gave to us so much during his life that we will forever be blessed with what he left behind for us. Not only did he leave us with so many precious memories – he also left behind a wonderful reputation. I am constantly reminded of his kindness, his loving heart and of course [for those of you that knew him] his wonderfully crazy sense of humor. I can probably recite every story that he ever told word for word. I can sit down and lecture my children in verse the same lectures that he used on me. At the time that I was on the receiving end of either a story or a lecture I didn’t realize how I was clinging to every word that he said. But through the years his words of wisdom and his humorous antidotes have echoed in my mind with every little thing that has in some way sparked a recollection of something he had said during my life. All the way back as far as I can remember he was in some way planting a seed not only in my life, but so many others as well.  

When people tell me that I remind them so much of my dad it is the greatest compliment that I can receive. Although I know in my heart that I am far less of a person than my dad was and can only hope that I measure up to him in some way one day; it is an inspiration and a challenge to be like him every time someone says that.

For each person who tells me a story about my dad or each time that someone remembers him with a kind word I think about the reputation that he had during his life here. While he would be the first to admit [even today] that he was far from perfect, he was still in my eyes and so many other’s ranked right up there on the top of the “Best People” list. Through the fault of simply human nature, we often spend so much of our lives finding some reason to critique a person or an excuse to rake them over the coals. We spend so much time finding fault that we don’t even bother to find something more positive in its place. When my time comes to leave this world I hope that I can leave behind the positive things that people saw in me. But more importantly I hope that during this life that I can give someone something positive to remember.

I saw something today that made me think about my dad and his philosophy that he tried to apply to his life – “Our days are happier when we give people a bit of our heart rather than a piece of our mind.” So today while my heart hurts because I miss my dad more than ever – I’m going to think about the many wonderful things about him. I don’t want to think today about what has been taken away…I would much rather think about how he lived his life so that when he was gone that when someone thought of him they had no choice but to smile....because I certainly will.

Patience is a virtue...until you don't want it to be

If I can concede to one thing it is the fact that patience is something that eluded me for years. I have tried to find it, I have prayed for it, I have looked high and low for it and to be honest I have come to the conclusion that perhaps it's not a trait that I am ready to have. Either that or I had it and lost it so long ago that I couldn't find it again if I could retrace my steps back 20+ years!
I'm the one the doctor writes a prescription for and I take two pills out of 30 and if I don't feel like a new person...well I just don't take anymore. I'm the girl who goes no holes barred into a diet; do 20 crunches and 50 jumping jacks and then want to throw in the towel because I can't put on a size smaller pair of jeans the very next morning. And I am the one who prays for answers and then suddenly changes course in my prayers because I'm not going in the direction that I think God should be leading me. I get frustrated and aggravated because I feel like at 47 I should be more financially stable than what I am and trying to get my finances in order some times is more difficult than trying to pin a kangaroo down on a trampoline!
But with all those faults in allowing patience to take a back seat, I find it ironic that the one thing that I had patience for was my children growing up. It was the one thing that I wanted to last forever and suddenly now I have one with a child of her own, one preparing for college and one with a little over 3 years of high school left. I'm not prepared for sending another one out into the world and any small dose of patience that I have rationed and stowed away is slowly dissipating right in front of me because it's useless to have. They are going to grow up and I couldn't drag it out if I tried.
Why is it that the human nature of us is to want something and to want it now? A new car, a better paying job, a Victoria Secret's body...I could go on and on. But with my children growing up, finding their own ways in life and slowly leaving me behind, there is no need for patience because these things are going too fast.
I have been talking to my college bound student on her future and telling her "don't rush things, take your time"; and at the same time find it ironic that I can't apply that very philosophy to my own life and the things that I do or the things that I am waiting for.
While a part of me is anxious to see what their futures hold, another part of me wants to be patient, longs to be patient, and wait as long as possible for them to grow. As with everything else, God has a plan and their futures are quickly becoming the present though.
I suppose my father's old saying of "you have to pick you own battles" pretty much applies to this as it does many other things in my life. But this battle I have no idea how to win. While I am excited about seeing what they make or their lives, I find myself battling with the parental fantasy of them staying young forever.
So I suppose if I can find a way to implement patience into my life with my children it would be for me to simply enjoy each day with them that God will allow me to have...for now....and not let tomorrow come upon me too quickly.
Through the course of them growing up I have watched them form into the people that God intends for them to be right now, and while it has happened all too quickly; I'm still going to try to - as slowly as possible - wait to find out about what tomorrow holds for them and I am going to try to enforce my patience where it matters....sitting back, trusting their choices ever so patiently as possible and at the same time eagerly await to see what God has in store for my children.

Regrets and the roads less traveled

It seems like as I get older that my mind tends to wonder more towards the regrets that I have in my life. You know things that you “should have” done or said, but didn’t? Well recently I went on a trip to Vegas and we flew out there. Well flying is not my favorite thing to do…in fact there is a requirement of a Valium or something of that nature to make me feel more comfortable about putting my life in the hands of a complete stranger behind the wheel of a mode of transportation that weighs more than my house and hovers in the air. I get myself in this panic mode thinking of crashing and then all of a sudden I become overwhelmed with all the things that I wish I had done in life.

Regrets can come in all sizes, shapes and forms. It can be about things that you wish you had the courage to try when the opportunity was there; it can be in the form of things that you should have said when you had the chance; or it can be about different paths that you wish that you had taken. I think that two of the most powerful words combined are “What if?” Those two words can send your mind into an out of control tailspin of thoughts - both good and bad.

There are those that will argue pre-destination and are convinced that everything happens according to a greater plan. While I am more pro than I am con about that theory I am up in the air about that to a certain degree. While I am fully convinced that everything happens for a reason; I am also convinced that we are given free will to chart our own course and end up where we do as a result of those choices. Therefore regret comes into the picture. While I have no regrets for “most” of the things that I have done, because some of those choices provided me with [what I believe] are 3 of the most beautiful children and grandchild ever created. The philosophies of regret falls more under the categories of things I didn’t do and perhaps should have.

I wish that it didn’t take the impending thoughts of a plane crash or something of that nature to inspire me to think about the regrets that I have. While it isn’t healthy I’m sure to dwell on what should have been done differently, it should make you think before you make choices in the future.   

Perhaps in the grand scheme of things all roads lead to one destination and are paved with uncertainty as well; and maybe the only difference would have been the scenery along the way. When I do reach my final destination at the end of whatever road it is that I end up on I just don’t want to look back over my shoulder and look back at the paths that were less traveled and wonder if maybe I should have taken a left instead of a right.

Stopping along the way to play

Today I got to take my granddaughter out in the snow to make her first snowman and do her first snow angel. I would tell her that we needed more snow and I would turn around and she had walked 30 or 40 ft to get more when there was some right in front of her. She dredged through the snow carrying as much as she could and would laugh and giggle every time that she got close to me because she discovered how to throw a snow ball.
Needless to say the process of building the snowman was a bit of a long drawn out task. But she was in no hurry she was just enjoying taking her time and having fun. As she usually does, she made me think about how I wish I could apply her outlook on life to my own. She is in no hurry and felt no pressure to complete the job of finishing what we had started. I thought about how so many people complained about the snow, the road conditions and the nuisances that the snowfall had created. But not my granddaughter. She just played until she was freezing and her little legs were give out from walking and running in this new playground that she hadn't truly experienced before. She didn't focus on the snowman like I did (trying to make it just the right size and looking like something that would win a snowman contest) - to her it didn't matter whether it even got finished or not and she could have cared less how symmetrical that the parts of the snowman were. I would (I'm ashamed to say) get a little flustered at first because evidently I was basing more emphasis on creating the snowman than just enjoying doing it. Then as if one blow by a snowball had jarred some sense into me, I realized that it didn't matter what the snowman looked like - that what the important thing to do was look at the snow through her eyes.
How she looked at that snowman is how I need to look at life in general; that the basic things that we needed to build it were there and all we had to add to the equation was our time...in our own time. This is the philosophy that I should apply to my life - that I have all the essentials that I need to get through life- it just takes a little time and patience to make it work. And it's okay if along the way of getting the job done if I want to stop and play and not worry about what the final outcome will be, then I will enjoy it more. It doesn't always have to be perfect and I shouldn't worry about always making sure it's done right according to a blueprint. The end result will be what it's going to be so if I want to venture off the beaten path from time to time and take the scenic route to get to the next step [like she did when I would send her for more snow] then that's fine, because eventually it will get done.
My new years resolution was to start enjoying life more, to take more chances and to actually live life. Peyton reminded me of that today as we worked on the snowman and stopped to play along the way.
It's amazing what we can learn looking at life through the eyes of a child. It really is a playground out there - our lives that is; and if we want to stop and play and lose track of what our mission in life is...well that's okay- because when we lose focus of what we are supposed to be doing and just do what we want to...well that's when life really happens.

Leaving all my worries on Schoolhouse Hill

I am one of those people that worry about things entirely too much. Some times it’s a good thing; because it keeps me cautious and more aware of my actions and reactions. However, some times though it’s not really such a great thing. When you allow yourself to be consumed with worry a lot of times it prevents you from enjoying life. I have missed out on a lot of opportunities to have fun with my friends or my children because I worried so much about making a fool out of myself or basically killing myself in the process of whatever it was they were doing.

Well this year I have tried to take a different approach on life. I’m edging closer and closer to 50 and I have realized there are A LOT of things that I haven’t done in life. Some of those things I think can be negotiated if someone pushes hard enough and then there are some things I’m quite certain that no amount of money will persuade me to do them.

I have a horrible phobia of high places; so therefore roller coasters, sky diving and bungee jumping are pretty much excluded off the “I really want to try this and think I might” list. But the other things that are on my bucket list of things to do before I pass on are things that I am mustering up the courage more every day to do.

This past week we received an unexpected and welcomed snow to our area. With that snow comes the town tradition of closing off what we local natives refer to as "Schoolhouse Hill". It's a huge hill right in the middle of the town and when it snows people come out by the droves to sled off of it. Both kids and adults wear this hill out sledding off of it in everything from real sleds to car hoods and cooler lids - anything that they can improvise with. The sides of the hill are worn down from the endless amount of journeys back up the hill on foot dragging your "ride" behind you. 

I had never sledded off this hill all the years I had been growing up or even as an adult. So....after a little (well maybe a lot) of persuasion I bundled up in as many layers of clothing as I could and headed up there to try it out. Now one thing about me is I love to have fun - BUT when it involves the remote possibility of a broken limb....well I'm a little chicken. As I stood up at the top of the hill looking down I swear it looked 2 miles long! But after a little coaxing and a bit of praying for courage and a safe landing I hopped on the sled. After we took off and headed down the hill [at what seemed like 90 mph] I was horrified and I screamed to the top of my lungs and held on for dear life. And when we reached the bottom I couldn't believe it - I was ready to go again. After a few more times we wrapped it up and went in. The next night we were back out there again. This time I rode with a couple of my girlfriends for most of the rides. We crashed every time and were battered on every part of our bodies and I even peed my pants a time or two I hate to admit. But we kept on going and I don't remember ever laughing so much in a long time.

I was so glad that I took the chance, let go and just had some fun. I'm not sure what I enjoyed more the exhilaration and thrill of the ride or if it was leaving behind adulthood and all the worries that go with and just being a kid again. I think that is the hardest part of being a grown-up. We forget what life is really about - it's not the bills, the jobs that we may or may not like, the everyday struggles...life is meant to be enjoyed. It's meant to play and for that brief time that old schoolhouse hill was my playground.

One of my favorite quotes is "A child who does not play is not a child, but the man who does not play has lost forever the child who lived in him." ~ Pablo Neruda

I need to remind myself more everyday that it's alright to not always be a grown-up, that it's fine not to worry and that it's okay if I want to play because like someone else once said "you will find more happiness growing down than up."

The weatherman says it might snow again next weekend. If it does I'm heading out to play and I'm leaving all my worries on top of Schoolhouse Hill for a little while.
 

 

 

 

 

 

Dreams, goals and a clean slate

This morning I was listening to my 9 year old niece talk to my 17 year old daughter. She was talking about all the things that she wanted to be when she grew up. The list of possibilities was a mile long as she kept on naming them. A pharmacist, a veterinarian, an actor, a singer..... she said she just couldn't decide.
My 17 year old has a countdown on her phone counting down the days, the hours and the minutes until she turns 18. She's been reminding me on a daily basis how much longer she has. I, on the other hand, reach the age of 47 just 3 days before she reaches her milestone of the 18th birthday. That isn't nearly as exciting as turning 18 trust me!
I was folding the laundry while I was listening to their conversations about being excited about growing up and getting older. I just sat there silently taking it all in while I couldn't help but smile at some of the notions that they had. My daughter (Kailee) was giving my niece a very serious lecture on how before long she will need to start being more decisive about what she wants to be when she grows up.
I, in my silence, was thinking about how fast life goes by and how it only seems like yesterday that I was trying to decide what I wanted to be when I grew up. I had made plans at that age of being a psychologist and solving all the world's problems one person at a time. But life happens and plans change sometimes along the way. I took a different course in life going into college the summer of my senior year and got burnt out fast on school. I started a new job, shortly after got married and then right off had a baby.
Getting out into the real world wasn't nearly what I thought it was going to be and all those dreams and fantasies of becoming a rich and famous doctor of the mind quickly faded away into oblivion. Don't get me wrong, I love the life that I have lived and have been very blessed along the way. I have 3 beautiful and amazing children to show for my decisions that I have made in life and I wouldn't trade them for any degree that hangs in a frame on an office wall with a black leather couch that is for the next appointment to walk in the door. Are there some things I would have done differently? Of course there are. But life consists of "what if's" and regrets of things that we should have done or not done. They are the lessons that we learn along the way.
It would be nice in life if we had a giant eraser that we could use when we look back on our past that we could simply use to wipe away things and do it over. I thought about that as I sat there and listened to the girls talk about their future and thought to myself how nice it would be to be their age and have basically a clean slate before me that I could chart out the plans for the years ahead and know then what I know now. I wanted to chime into the conversation and ask them if they knew how lucky they were that their lives are just starting and that they have so many choices to chose from and so many different paths that they can take. Kailee has known since before she started high school what she wanted to do with her life and has made plans and choices along the way to procure that dream of becoming an oncologist. She has never wavered from her charted path and is more determined every day to achieve that goal. While I am so extremely proud of her for working so hard towards making her dream come true - I am so glad that she has an open venue of choices in life that she can make because this new stage in her life is a brand new beginning.
Now I know that I can tell her and the other kids that being an adult is not all it's cracked up to be. That life is hard and the struggles are real. That turning the magic number of 18 is a big deal, but there are also a lot of consequences that come with becoming responsible for your own actions. I can sit them down for hours upon hours and tell them the things that I did wrong and hope that they learn from what I tell them. But I tried that one time with my oldest daughter Jess when she was making a choice that I knew in my heart what the end result would be. Her response to me? "Mom I have to make my own mistakes and learn my own lessons. Learning from your mistakes won't make me the person I need to be - but learning from my own will make me the person that you have become."
So....with that lesson learned I continued to sit there and let a 9 year old and a 17 year dwell on their dreams and let them believe that they can be whatever they want to be - because they can be. That's the whole purpose of having your whole life ahead of you - a blank slate to put on it whatever you want and to make your dreams come true.
Nope - growing up isn't what I thought it would be - but I am who I am for a reason and so shall they be.