Advice comes in all shapes, forms and sizes I have realized through the years. As a child growing up I was blessed with parents that dished out advice every time I needed it and some times when I didn't want to hear it. My mother was more the "listen to your heart" kind of advice giver; you know the kind that wants to give you advice, but doesn't want you to get upset with her if it's the wrong thing that she told you to do. She was always one to listen and a lot of times let me find my own answers just by allowing me to say it out loud and it becoming obvious to me what it was that I needed to do just by hearing myself talk about it. My dad was quite the opposite. He told me exactly how it was and it didn't matter if it was what I "wanted" to hear or not, it was what he felt in his heart and soul that it was what I needed to hear. And if I got mad at him? I would get over it what his answer to that. Most of the time I listened to them - and when I didn't...well I always ended up wishing I had.
Growing up I never realized how much advice that one acquires through their lifetime. That realization didn't come to me until years into parenthood when I was the one dishing it out. It starts out when they are babies - telling them not to touch this because it will hurt them, don't put that in your mouth you'll choke to death, don't climb on that you'll bust your head; you know that kind of advice that you teach them early in life what they don't comprehend until it happens or until you convince them that they are gonna get hurt!
Then you move on up to the next stage - the school years. You tell them they have to study or they will never pass, you tell them to be kind to others, don't be a tattle tale and if you're a boy - don't hit girls -if you are a girl don't let a boy hit you (and if he does knock his lights out of course). You know just the basic kindergarten through 5th grade kind of stuff that will get them by hopefully and that they will be a likable friend and student because of it.
Then they get a little older and the some of the hardest advice that you dish out is the kind that they will carry with them hopefully the rest of their lives. You know- the kind of advice that makes an attempt at healing a broken heart. The hardest thing that a parent can see is their child hurting. A broken heart doesn't always come in the form of a boy or a girl telling them they want to break up. It comes in many different ways and the advice that you give them ranges on many different levels.
A hurting heart most certainly can be the end result of someone starting out a conversation with "It's not you - it's me" or "I think we just need to be friends." But, unfortunately though there are other things that make the heart feel like it is crumbling inside of you. The betrayal of someone you trust, losing a friend over something or perhaps the worst of all the loss of someone you love.
You like to think that just saying "I promise it will get better - it won't always hurt like this" kind of advice will fix it all....but it won't....it's never that easy. And the worst part of it is that as you try to heal their heart your own feels their pain and your own words echoing in your ears are not enough to stop the pain you feel seeing them hurt.
I feel like I have the compassion that my mother had; or I at least try to show that empathetic part of me. I try to channel my dad through me using his wisdom of philosophy. But there are times that I am presented with something I have never experienced and then I have to wing it. That's the scariest thing in the world knowing that my child; no matter how old they are; has come to me [in a metaphoric sense] with their hands open holding pieces of a broken heart and asking me to put it back together. What can you do?
It's simple - you remember that this person is your very own heart beating on the outside of your body and you feel that pain, your own heart suffers as theirs does and you get that gut wrenching feeling that the world is falling apart right in front of you; and then you tell them what you want them to believe more than anything...that this will pass, that they will smile again and that life as unfair as it seems right now will get better.
I don't think that however hard that you try that you will always have the right answer. But if in your pursuit to give just the right words you just remember that no matter how simple the advice needs to be or how complex your words of wisdom need to be - the important thing is not always in what you say, but in just being there.
I know that I cannot always hold my children's hands. I can't always make everything the way it should be and I can't always keep the bad from happening. But I can always be there...if for nothing else but to let them know that I always will be.
Saturday, February 28, 2015
Tuesday, January 13, 2015
Being a single mom...not the easiest job in the world
If someone were to ask me what definition would I give for a "single mom" I don't know that I could accurately give one and justify the true meaning of what one is. Although I have the role of being a single mom, I through my own experiences still couldn't do it justice in my description
I have been a single mom for almost 10 years now and altogether a total of about 16 years. I have learned more valuable lessons than I could even count. Most I remember and some I unfortunately have to learn over and over again.
As the lone leader of my householder over the years I have acquired more badges than a veteran boy scout. I have been the mom, the dad, the good guy, the bad guy, the officer, the jury, the judge, the lawyer, the defendant, the doctor, the nurse, the teacher and oh yes even the student...just to name a few.
I've made some really good calls during my run in this position and messed up big also. I've worn the hat as a mom when I needed to be a dad and vice-versa. I've given lectures and advice when I should of listened. Hopefully the good that I have done will outweigh the bad though and when my children look back on my job as their leader that I will get high grades.
Unfortunately though a lot of what being a single mother is about; well my kids have never seen. Those times that I stayed awake long after they went to sleep looking over homework and correcting mistakes, putting the finishing touches on school projects, getting stains out of a favorite shirt before they see it and panic or ironing clothes for school pictures. I suspect that they caught on over the years of most of my late night parenting missions that come with the role of motherhood; but I wonder if they have ever picked up on the things that I try so hard to hide. The nights that I have laid in bed behind a closed bedroom door tossing and turning trying to sleep while I'm trying to budget out how we are going to make ends meet until the next payday. The times that I have snapped at them and they thought I was just in a bad mood - when in actuality I was trying to figure out which Peter to rob to pay Paul. I wonder if they know how many times I had a little extra cash and planned on stopping for breakfast for a change and handed it over without hesitation when they needed money for something that they either needed or wanted at school. Or if they have a clue how many times I had a little extra in my checking account and contemplated all the way to checkout about buying the new shirt that I had put in my buggy and how by the time I got to the register I had talked myself out of it and went back for something for one of them that I thought they might like to have. I hope that they don't, but I wonder if they do know how many times the little things that I scraped and saved for to do for them went unnoticed.
As long as I have been in this boat by myself for the most part, I have always known that I was a good mom. Maybe not always great, but good most definitely. I have loved my children with every ounce of my being; even when at times they weren't very lovable. Although I know I have made mistakes and failed A LOT when it has come to raising these blessings from God - I've never once questioned my capability of being their mom. Until recently anyway. These past couple weeks I've really been overwhelmed with stresses and worries. I've found myself in a position of wondering if I can make it one more day with this load that I carry. There have been things that my kids have had to go without, things that as a parent I'm obligated to provide. I've cried what seems like a thousand tears over the past several days because I've let the temporary things completely take over the things that I know I should be focusing on. I felt like I was not only a failure, but that I have let my children down and that breaks my heart.
I've prayed A LOT and tried to pull myself out of the pity party that I seemed to have plopped right down in the middle of with a bowl of chips in my lap and a diet coke in my hand settling down for the long stay.
But like every other aspect of this life I know that this is a test and I will hopefully pass it without any permanent damage. And with the end result I will still be able to do what I have tried to do and that is show my daughters the independence that they shouldn't be afraid to have and the courage to stand up for that independence; and to show my son the strength that a woman possesses and what she is can accomplish. Hopefully I will forever have their love, but I also hope that I have their respect as well.
I don't have a single regret for any sacrifice that I have made and I certainly don't think it makes me wonder woman because of these things.
I don't say these things or use these examples to gain some empathy, to have sympathy from anyone or to brag on myself. I am no more of a hero than any of the other single mothers out there. I say these things out loud because I wonder sometimes if people really REALLY know what being a single mom is all about.
I have been a single mom for almost 10 years now and altogether a total of about 16 years. I have learned more valuable lessons than I could even count. Most I remember and some I unfortunately have to learn over and over again.
As the lone leader of my householder over the years I have acquired more badges than a veteran boy scout. I have been the mom, the dad, the good guy, the bad guy, the officer, the jury, the judge, the lawyer, the defendant, the doctor, the nurse, the teacher and oh yes even the student...just to name a few.
I've made some really good calls during my run in this position and messed up big also. I've worn the hat as a mom when I needed to be a dad and vice-versa. I've given lectures and advice when I should of listened. Hopefully the good that I have done will outweigh the bad though and when my children look back on my job as their leader that I will get high grades.
Unfortunately though a lot of what being a single mother is about; well my kids have never seen. Those times that I stayed awake long after they went to sleep looking over homework and correcting mistakes, putting the finishing touches on school projects, getting stains out of a favorite shirt before they see it and panic or ironing clothes for school pictures. I suspect that they caught on over the years of most of my late night parenting missions that come with the role of motherhood; but I wonder if they have ever picked up on the things that I try so hard to hide. The nights that I have laid in bed behind a closed bedroom door tossing and turning trying to sleep while I'm trying to budget out how we are going to make ends meet until the next payday. The times that I have snapped at them and they thought I was just in a bad mood - when in actuality I was trying to figure out which Peter to rob to pay Paul. I wonder if they know how many times I had a little extra cash and planned on stopping for breakfast for a change and handed it over without hesitation when they needed money for something that they either needed or wanted at school. Or if they have a clue how many times I had a little extra in my checking account and contemplated all the way to checkout about buying the new shirt that I had put in my buggy and how by the time I got to the register I had talked myself out of it and went back for something for one of them that I thought they might like to have. I hope that they don't, but I wonder if they do know how many times the little things that I scraped and saved for to do for them went unnoticed.
As long as I have been in this boat by myself for the most part, I have always known that I was a good mom. Maybe not always great, but good most definitely. I have loved my children with every ounce of my being; even when at times they weren't very lovable. Although I know I have made mistakes and failed A LOT when it has come to raising these blessings from God - I've never once questioned my capability of being their mom. Until recently anyway. These past couple weeks I've really been overwhelmed with stresses and worries. I've found myself in a position of wondering if I can make it one more day with this load that I carry. There have been things that my kids have had to go without, things that as a parent I'm obligated to provide. I've cried what seems like a thousand tears over the past several days because I've let the temporary things completely take over the things that I know I should be focusing on. I felt like I was not only a failure, but that I have let my children down and that breaks my heart.
I've prayed A LOT and tried to pull myself out of the pity party that I seemed to have plopped right down in the middle of with a bowl of chips in my lap and a diet coke in my hand settling down for the long stay.
But like every other aspect of this life I know that this is a test and I will hopefully pass it without any permanent damage. And with the end result I will still be able to do what I have tried to do and that is show my daughters the independence that they shouldn't be afraid to have and the courage to stand up for that independence; and to show my son the strength that a woman possesses and what she is can accomplish. Hopefully I will forever have their love, but I also hope that I have their respect as well.
I don't have a single regret for any sacrifice that I have made and I certainly don't think it makes me wonder woman because of these things.
I don't say these things or use these examples to gain some empathy, to have sympathy from anyone or to brag on myself. I am no more of a hero than any of the other single mothers out there. I say these things out loud because I wonder sometimes if people really REALLY know what being a single mom is all about.
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