See Dad I WAS listening......

My two daughters are always joking with me that my son is my favorite child. One of their famous lines during this joking is "when we have gotten in trouble we got grounded - when "the boy" (as they commonly call him) gets in trouble he gets a new pair of shoes." Just the other day my youngest daughter says “Come on Mom – tell me who you REALLY love the most.” There are times that I have actually thought that they were serious and when that happens I find myself reciting something that my dad used to tell me when I would think that my baby sister was the one that got all the attention. He would take me out to the swing [the place where all the serious talks took place at my house] or on his back porch and he would say "Sis I don't love any of you any more than I do the other one, I just love you all in different ways." He on several occasions would add to his description of his love for us and say " if anyone ever told me to put all of you kids on a pedal stool and pick one who has to die I couldn't do it, they would just have to take my own life...I love you that much." I always walked away from those conversations feeling like I was equal and most importantly feeling reassured of how much he did truly love me.
When I talk to her or either of the other two I wonder if the words that I share with them have the impact on their lives as my dad's words had on me. It was like he had this gift of being able to say exactly what it was that I not necessarily "wanted" to hear, but what I "needed" to hear. It was like he had this secret parent handbook that told him exactly what to say. Now granted there were times that he would have a talk with me and at the time I could only hear the muffled vibration of his words and he somewhat sounded like Charlie Brown's teacher because I [at the time] didn't think that I needed "the talk", so therefore I would let it go in one ear and out the other....or so I thought. But looking back now I obviously listened to what he had to say; at least in my subconscious I did, because to this day I repeat what he told me A LOT of times to my own children.
My dad wasn't a college graduate, he didn't have a certificate of psychology hanging on an office wall and he didn't make me lay on a black couch while he bestowed upon me his words of wisdom. Instead he would use simple analogies or words that didn't require a Webster dictionary to know the meaning of them. He could take situations that I thought had no possible solution to them and he would not only give me a whole new perspective on the matter, but most importantly he would make me feel so much better about things. He would rationally and carefully disperse these answers that I would drive myself crazy trying to find on my own. I would often wonder to myself if his brain ever got full from all the perils of wisdom that obviously he had gathered over the years, but then one day it dawned on me that what he spoke came from the heart not the mind. I soon came to realize that my dad in all his infinite wisdom may not have known everything, but he knew exactly what I needed to hear.
I look back to so many conversations with my dad and his advice, his fore warnings and his general philosophy in life. I could probably write a book on all the things he taught me.
Dad was always open minded and listened and I think that’s what made him even smarter. He was always fair about things and looking back now that meant a lot. I remember one time I was mad as a hornet at my boyfriend Patrick. I went up to talk to Dad and in a rare turn of events summoned him to the back porch to talk. After telling my story I felt sure that Patrick was going to be in for it when he came back to visit Dad and Mom. But alas after I finished talking Dad sat there for a minute and then said “Well Sis I’m sorry I just can’t side with you on this one.” He proceeded to point out where I was wrong in my thinking and gently urged to me to be forgiving and let it go.
I can only hope in the times that I talk to my kids that I am giving them something to take with them into parenthood that will help them instill a little wisdom in their own children along the way. I’m sure there were times that my dad thought I wasn’t paying attention to a word he said. But he taught me so many things in life and I’m so glad I was listening…even when he and I both thought I wasn’t.

The question isn't always "What has happened to our children?"

Today I had an opportunity to visit with one of my favorite teachers from high school. We were reminiscing a little and then got off on the subject of what kids are like today. I brought up the observation that when I was in high school that we had a smoking porch, the boys had their hunting rifles hanging on a rack in the back window of their pick-up trucks and they carried Case knives which they never hesitated to get out and whittle a little. But yet with all these temptations I can't for the life of me remember drugs being an issue or especially school shootings or stabbings being something that you feared or saw on the news. When I was in high school if you got a paddling it was just that - getting your hind end lit up with a board (sometimes with holes drilled in it to cause more of a stinging effect). It wasn't referred to as "corporal punishment" and a parent didn't have to sign a paper saying "yes you can bust my kid's tail and not be sued." AND the worse part of getting a paddling at school meant when you got home I guarantee you that 98% of those kids were marching down the driveway or across the yard to pick their own hickory, because Momma or Daddy was fixin' to finish what the teacher or principal started.
Very few of us drove a brand new car; instead it was usually a Ford LTD, a Chevy Impala or a Ford pick-up that an older brother, sister or uncle drove. We had our proms at the high school in the gym and decorated with tissue paper flowers and a big ole mirror ball hanging from the beams. My senior year I think it was, we branched out and went to a place called Springbrook Country Club about 30 minutes from the school and half of us didn't know how to act. We certainly didn't rent cabins for the night and stay until the next day. We had about a 1:00 in the morning curfew and you better be sure you met it with about 5 minutes to spare for good measure.
Now on the first day of school you [as a parent or guardian] are sent home handbooks with at the least 23 pages that you have to sign and return to guarantee that your child behaves and that you won't sue the pants off the county if they don't. We sign papers for the school nurse (that WE never had) to be able to simply apply some Neosporin to a cut. And yet with all these precautionary measures that we take as we make these solemn oaths - there are still incidents all through the school year of some bad seed kid going against the grain and doing something that they shouldn't.
Kids come to school dressed in garb that my daddy and momma would've laughed at me for even attempting to walk out the door in it, proceeded by them informing me that no child of theirs would be dressing like a hoodlum or a slut. You see Gothic clothes, low cut shirts, and sagging pants (Oh goodness don't get me started on the pants). Parents say "well I can't stop them - they are not a kid anymore." The heck you can't! Someone has to buy these clothes and someone usually has to launder them....so if you participate in either of those actions - you have no one to blame but yourself that you didn't care enough about your child's appearance to say "Whoa - wait just a minute" before they headed out the door.
I find it ironic that in my time that I had access to a gun every where I went just about, could have bought cigarettes at about any store and had every ample chance to purchase beer from the old man with a bad eye out of the back window of an old store on Highway 411 - but yet I was scared to even think about entertaining the idea of trying something I shouldn't.
I was typical teenager - wreaked havoc on the occasion with my mom (because I would rather cut my nose of my than do what she told me to.) But that entailed not cleaning my bedroom or not getting the ironing done. BUT I also knew deep down that I would have a price to pay. So....eventually...and it didn't take long, I saw the writing on the wall and did what I was supposed to.
Today parents won't discipline their kids with a good ole fashioned razor belt or a hickory from the weeping willow tree. And they sure are going to knock their kid's block off - no matter how disrespectful their lovely fruit of their womb is.
I myself am guilty of not raising my own children in the manner that my mom and dad raised me, my brothers and my sister. I give in to easily, let a smart remark slide from time to time and just do the chore myself for the sake of not listening to them say "But Mom...." And the sad thing about it is that I know that I am doing them more harm than good.
Parents either try to be their child's best friend and look the other way instead of being the enemy and putting their foot down; or they just don't have time to "be a parent".
We wonder why society has turned into what it has. We question - "what went wrong with our children?" The problem is not only the children, it's the parents (myself included) who worry about upsetting our kids, trying to outdo the girl/boy's parents that have a child the same age as our own by buying, buying and buying. A huge majority of us have forgotten that in order for our children to be respected they have to be taught respect and most importantly they have to give it.
So the next time that a parent questions why their child is behaving like they are, why they got into trouble or why they are unaware of the proper ways to behave - they don't need to look at the child for answers - instead they need to look in the mirror.
The question is not necessarily always "what has happened to our children?" Instead maybe we should ask what has happened to us as parents.
More importantly I suppose we should ask ourselves - "Is society changing us as parents or are we as parents changing society?"

That love that surpasses the distance....

Today a friend of mine buried her husband and she is left as a widow at the age of 39. Her husband passed away suddenly, without any warning signs at all, on this past Friday. They had been sweethearts through school, married 17 years and they had two precious young sons and what they thought was the rest of their lives together…..

Today is my parent’s wedding anniversary. They have been together in the union of their hearts for 48 years today. She is celebrating this day here on earth without him, as he is in Heaven celebrating it watching over her. They met on a blind date, dated 6 months and married. They were one of the happiest couples I knew and they had 4 children that loved them very much. At the time that my Dad passed they had 9 grandchildren and a great grandchild on the way….

Some would say that the first couple’s lives had only just gotten underway, that they still had so many years ahead of them and so many memories to create. Some would say that the second couple had lived a full life and had been very blessed with many years together and memories galore.

I’ve thought about both of these couples a lot this weekend. I’ve thought about how blessed that they have been to have experienced the love that they had with the person they said those vows to one day. I can’t help but think about how their hearts that have loved so deeply and completely are now those hearts today that must ache for those that they loved.

This day has a totally different meaning to each of these women. To one it will be remembered as the day she said goodbye to a man that she didn’t get to love long enough and to the other it is a day that she has to cherish and celebrate in her heart the love that began this day so many years ago.

I know the pain for both is more than I can fathom or even begin to imagine how it feels as they try to make it through the day. I pray that their hearts will feel peace in knowing that they were both blessed with something that most live a lifetime without.

Some would argue that there is no connection; that these two women have a completely different story. Perhaps that is true. But I look at the big picture; I look at the rarity in finding a love that surpasses the distance between Heaven and Earth and transcends through the skies to bridge that gap between the two places. It is something that so many never have the opportunity to share with someone else or ever experience.   

The one thing that these two very special ladies do have in common is that I am certain, that if given the opportunity, would tell you the same thing….If you are loved by another – cherish that love and never take it for granted.