This blog is quite
different from those in the past. Normally I write about my children, my
community or a topic that is either to entertain or to show my passion. This
blog though is very personal. I’ve debated on writing it, but the purpose of a blog
is to reach out to people and hope that when you do that you will say something
that will touch someone in one way or another, whether it be in the form of
laughter, in the form of tears or even perhaps help with some soul searching.
At 50 years old I don’t
think that there is a time in my life that I can recall where there wasn’t a
connection between me and God. I have strayed away a time or two, but always
found my way back. I may not have prayed every day, but there has always been
an open line of communication with Him.
Through many types of
spiritual warfare I think that at some point your soul feels battered and shaken.
With me there was a point where my spiritual relationship was very vulnerable
and before I realized it there was a point of descending that began my fall
from grace. It isn’t important what happened, where it happened or when exactly
that it happened. What is important is that it did happen. Once something like
this happens it feels as if the downward spiral that you are in becomes
something that you can no longer control. It’s like a rollercoaster that once
it is set in motion it won’t stop unless it’s a sudden forcible stop and in
falling from grace, that forcible stop is when you hit bottom. When you are on
this descent you begin to notice more those that sat back and watched you fall
than you notice those that have tried to catch you or those that put out their
hand to pull you back up. You look at those that keep you from making a
decision to “come back” and you overlook those that set an example and give you
a reason to return from your prodigal journey.To describe how hard it becomes to talk to God when you are falling from His grace is like your breath has been taken away and your throat is closed. You want to yell for help; you want to communicate in any way, but you can’t. You can’t find the words, you can’t find the strength and it’s almost as if you can’t remember how to. I have this precious friend of mine, Marna, and when there is something in her life that merits prayer she will message me and she always says “I’m asking because I know you will”. There’s a certain level of accountability that she holds me to and because of that she reminds me of that relationship that I have with God…or that I used to have. She reminds me that I have an obligation in my relationship to God and that I need to talk to Him.
During this absence from His will I have found myself at different times questioning why things are happening. I have even had to audacity to think I can stiffen up and take the challenges head on and in a certain aspect actually defy the obstacles that God has thrown my way to remind me that I need to be ascending in His grace and not descending. It’s literally like I’m fighting this battle and with each hit I take emotionally, physically or mentally I am being drained and feel myself as battered and as tortured as my soul is.
I’m not sure how to find my way back to where I need to be. I’m not sure how to teach myself again to serve Him and I’m definitely not sure how to open lines of communication again. I do know though through many years of this journey with God that when I can’t speak, He hears my heart.
I’m still debating with
myself as to whether I have been too open and whether this is something that I “need”
to share. I am convincing myself to have the courage to hit the final button by
reminding myself that I am not the only one who has stumbled and fallen. I wasn’t
the first and I won’t be the last, but I can be an example to remind others
that even though you feel completely alone – trust me...you aren’t.
