If someone were to ask me what definition would I give for a "single mom" I don't know that I could accurately give one and justify the true meaning of what one is. Although I have the role of being a single mom, I through my own experiences still couldn't do it justice in my description
I have been a single mom for almost 10 years now and altogether a total of about 16 years. I have learned more valuable lessons than I could even count. Most I remember and some I unfortunately have to learn over and over again.
As the lone leader of my householder over the years I have acquired more badges than a veteran boy scout. I have been the mom, the dad, the good guy, the bad guy, the officer, the jury, the judge, the lawyer, the defendant, the doctor, the nurse, the teacher and oh yes even the student...just to name a few.
I've made some really good calls during my run in this position and messed up big also. I've worn the hat as a mom when I needed to be a dad and vice-versa. I've given lectures and advice when I should of listened. Hopefully the good that I have done will outweigh the bad though and when my children look back on my job as their leader that I will get high grades.
Unfortunately though a lot of what being a single mother is about; well my kids have never seen. Those times that I stayed awake long after they went to sleep looking over homework and correcting mistakes, putting the finishing touches on school projects, getting stains out of a favorite shirt before they see it and panic or ironing clothes for school pictures. I suspect that they caught on over the years of most of my late night parenting missions that come with the role of motherhood; but I wonder if they have ever picked up on the things that I try so hard to hide. The nights that I have laid in bed behind a closed bedroom door tossing and turning trying to sleep while I'm trying to budget out how we are going to make ends meet until the next payday. The times that I have snapped at them and they thought I was just in a bad mood - when in actuality I was trying to figure out which Peter to rob to pay Paul. I wonder if they know how many times I had a little extra cash and planned on stopping for breakfast for a change and handed it over without hesitation when they needed money for something that they either needed or wanted at school. Or if they have a clue how many times I had a little extra in my checking account and contemplated all the way to checkout about buying the new shirt that I had put in my buggy and how by the time I got to the register I had talked myself out of it and went back for something for one of them that I thought they might like to have. I hope that they don't, but I wonder if they do know how many times the little things that I scraped and saved for to do for them went unnoticed.
As long as I have been in this boat by myself for the most part, I have always known that I was a good mom. Maybe not always great, but good most definitely. I have loved my children with every ounce of my being; even when at times they weren't very lovable. Although I know I have made mistakes and failed A LOT when it has come to raising these blessings from God - I've never once questioned my capability of being their mom. Until recently anyway. These past couple weeks I've really been overwhelmed with stresses and worries. I've found myself in a position of wondering if I can make it one more day with this load that I carry. There have been things that my kids have had to go without, things that as a parent I'm obligated to provide. I've cried what seems like a thousand tears over the past several days because I've let the temporary things completely take over the things that I know I should be focusing on. I felt like I was not only a failure, but that I have let my children down and that breaks my heart.
I've prayed A LOT and tried to pull myself out of the pity party that I seemed to have plopped right down in the middle of with a bowl of chips in my lap and a diet coke in my hand settling down for the long stay.
But like every other aspect of this life I know that this is a test and I will hopefully pass it without any permanent damage. And with the end result I will still be able to do what I have tried to do and that is show my daughters the independence that they shouldn't be afraid to have and the courage to stand up for that independence; and to show my son the strength that a woman possesses and what she is can accomplish. Hopefully I will forever have their love, but I also hope that I have their respect as well.
I don't have a single regret for any sacrifice that I have made and I certainly don't think it makes me wonder woman because of these things.
I don't say these things or use these examples to gain some empathy, to have sympathy from anyone or to brag on myself. I am no more of a hero than any of the other single mothers out there. I say these things out loud because I wonder sometimes if people really REALLY know what being a single mom is all about.
