Giving them roots is much easier than giving them wings

In the last few months there has been a dramatic change in my household. This time last year my home consisted of me, my three children and my granddaughter. Add that up and you get 5 of us - 4 being female, which left my son swimming in an estrogen ocean. About 4 months ago my oldest daughter found love and moved out with her daughter to a fresh new start. Two weeks ago I moved my middle child into her dorm as she started college. So now it's just me and "the boy" as we females commonly have referred to him since his sister gave him that nickname. It's a big adjustment to go from 5 to 2 living in the house. At least my daughter still comes home on the weekends from college, but still for those 5 days it's a big change!
I knew this day would come. I knew that my children would one by one leave the nest and there I would be...without them to tell good night or wake them up of a morning. I knew that eventually there would be less places set at the table and that the meals would less and less to prepare. I knew the laundry pile would go down and I knew that the hot water would last longer when there weren't so many people to take showers. But to be honest I just didn't think it would happen so fast. One would think that having 18 years to prepare for this once each of them were born would give me an ample amount of time to brace myself for this. I was wrong. I know that my son Eli is soon to be 15, but I know as well that in only 1,122 short days (give or take a few) his time to go out in the world will come.
It seems like only last week that I was washing bottles, folding onesies and rocking them to sleep. I swear it was only yesterday that I took each of their small hands and walked them into that big world of kindergarten. I look back through the last 24 years (that's how old my oldest daughter Jess is) and to be truthful it really is just a blur. I went from having my hands full to rubbing my hands together in complete void.
I am a complete mess of confusion, doubt, emptiness, but also pride, happiness at the same time. I feel this enormous void encircling me and filling me up slowly. What will I do with myself without them needing me like before? I know that on occasion I will still get a text or a phone call with an all familiar voice on the other end saying "Mom, I don't feel good." or "Mom, I need some help with something." But that job is only part time in comparison to getting up every hour on the hour to check temperatures or staying up till wee hours in the morning completing a school project and giving it some extra special touches for extra points or a few oooh's and ahhh's from the teacher and fellow students.
Instead now I give advice over the phone..."take some Tylenol, eat some soup, drink lots of fluids..." It's just not the same. I look back to the countless times they would come crawl in bed with me just for the added security of knowing I was there, or how many times I sat outside the bathroom door waiting for what seemed like hours for a virus to go away so they felt better. The other night my oldest decided to make my lasagna that it is a family recipe. I wanted to cry and smile at the same time at the thought of her standing in front of her own stove fixing what I had fixed for her when she was at home. It wasn't the same though as her standing in the kitchen and me showing her how to make a marinara sauce from scratch.
The worst thing though at this point is the regret that you have for the times that you wasted, the times that you could have done more. I wish I had taken more time out of my own schedule to accommodate theirs more. I wish I had listened more to their stories and asked more about their days. I wish that I had traditions that I had created for them to pass on to their own children. And I wonder if I taught them enough. Did I teach them all they need to know to be out in this cruel and insane world?
I suppose that the list of questions that could flood my mind could be endless. I know that as long as I allow it to happen that doubt will fill my mind as to whether I have equipped them properly for the continuation of their journey through life....without me right there beside them. I have to learn to let it go and most importantly...I have to learn to let them go.
Every year when I put up my Christmas tree I look at the ornaments and I tell my kids and others that as long as my children are in my house that my tree will be decorated with memories of each of them. There are handmade ornaments, significant ones for each like 1st, 2nd, 3rd Christmas, ornaments from school or church. And I tell them one day when my kids are grown and gone then I will have a fancy tree like you see in the windows of the local florist. I think about it now and realize that will be a reality all to soon when the last one leaves the nest and I'm thinking as pretty as those trees in the window are they will never mean as much as the one I have had for years. I'm certainly going to enjoy it much more the next few years that's for sure.
There's this saying that first you give them roots and then you give them wings. I know that the time has come for two of them and in the near future for my youngest to spread their wings and fly and I know that I have had time to prepare those wings...I just wish I had a little more time for the roots.

When the parents aren't looking

Recently I have been blessed to have been asked to undertake the role of assistant youth leader in my church. While those that know me know that it is no secret that I dearly love kids of all ages, it was still a tad bit scary to take on "the teenagers". They have a mind of their own and sometimes they can been kind of hard to relate to. It's not because they are mean or corrupted or anything of that nature - it's because they are their own breed and to be frankly honest somewhat intimidating and often times very confusing to read. But it's not their fault - the aliens of the hormone world have invaded their bodies and they have been taken over.
I can sit down in my sun room and have a heart to heart talk with any child of any age [boy or girl] and in some way some how relate to them and talk to them for hours. But being a leader and someone who offers them guidance on a regular basis - well that in itself is very intimidating and quite the challenge. These minds that they have are fragile and can be so easily influenced; so saying just the right thing all the time was something that I was concerned about more than anything. Realizing that I have taken on the role of a grown-up with wisdom outside their paternal surroundings brought me to the realization that what I say or don't say will some where down the road be an influence possibly on some decisions that these kids make.
I am quite the talker, in fact I could talk the ears off a brass monkey if the truth be told. But when I decided to make this commitment to these kids I decided that my first assignment that I had given myself was to sit back and just listen....that's all...just listen. To my surprise I learned much more than I anticipated. When children [no matter what age] are in their freedom zone away from their parents I think they are more at ease to just let loose with their thoughts, ideas and emotions without the fear of repercussion for their honesty. I have sat there for an entire class and not said a single word and have learned one thing more than any other. That bit of knowledge gained was that these kids have learned a lot in life by the things that their parents have taught them. I would almost wager to guess that most of their parents have never realized just how much these kids have listened to them and learned from the examples that they have set.
A question that was presented to the kids this past week was how do you honor your parents when they aren't around? One by one the responses amazed me of the kids and how they should behave in society. Innocent answers that they had no idea how significant that they were in what they should do and what they shouldn't do.Their answers ranged from how to "not do" certain things that their parents wouldn't want them to do to what they "should do" in certain scenarios. I have this one young man in my class Ryan who has been raised by a single mom. When he was asked about a "what if" situation I watched him intently as he proclaimed that did he not do as he should he knew what would happen if his mom found out. He then proceeded to elaborate on how he knew what his mom would do if he didn't do what she asked of him the first time that she asked. I have known Ryan for several years and always thought very highly of him because of his attitude and his behavior. Most of the time he has been with his mom [who is one of my very best friends] and I have witnessed firsthand his respect that he has for her. But those times that I have seen him in his own world without her there, like in class for an example he has been exactly the person that she has molded him to be without her being there to pull puppet strings and guide him in his actions.
This class has taught me in the short time that I have been in there that even though a lot of these parents may feel at times that they are fighting a losing battle with a child who is a typical teenager - they have taught them more than what they realize. As scary as it is to let our children go out into the big ole world and spread their wings we have to realize as a parent that the important part of their spreading their wings to fly is to know that we have given them roots to grow. The same as you nurture anything else - the same as it is with our children - we take care of them and they will grow. But as a parent what we have to remember is that growth isn't just a physical aspect - it's much more.
I have received blessing after blessing watching these kids and seeing what it is that they have to offer of themselves to the world and it all started out with parents who cared enough to nurture them so that when they aren't there to see them that they are still the person that they are expected to be.