The past two weekends I have been up at 6:00 a.m the first weekend and 5:45 a.m. the second weekend. You would think that it being Saturday mornings I would grumble and gripe about my day off starting off with me getting up with the chickens - an hour earlier than I get up for work. But those days were spent sitting in the blazing hot sun at a softball field for 13 hours one Saturday and sitting on hard bleachers most of the day looking at the hardwood of a basketball court the other. Again you would think I would complain or fuss about being in those conditions - but I really wouldn't have rather been anywhere else.
As I was on my way to my second job after spending one of these days watching my kids play their sport of choice and was telling someone that I was wore out from being where I was all day. Their response was "that's no body's fault but your own. It's not going to hurt them for you not to be there."
Those words have stuck in my mind ever since then.
Raising kids is very time consuming and it's very expensive - especially if you have one, two or three involved in sports. I know that when people hear the struggles of a single mom and know that their kid plays sports that in their mind the first thing that they think is "well not letting them play would solve some of those problems." But as much as I have done without and as many sacrifices as I have made for them to play it is all worth it to see the happiness that it brings them when they hit a double , score a 3 pointer or achieve the perfect posture in a cheer stunt.
I sit at the ball games and watch these kids that never have a parent there to look up at in the stands when they make those achievements. I listen to kids give me excuses as to why their parents aren't there and all the while I know that their hearts ache for an opportunity to have a parent there to cheer them on. I try to cheer hard for those kids because I know [that although they act like they don't know me sometimes] my kids love to know I'm there to yell at a referee for a bad call or scold them for a bad shot or a swing they shouldn't have taken. Even though I'm not the parent of one of those kids yearning for someone just to notice when they do something good - I know it makes them feel noticed.
Don't get me wrong I know there are some parents who have to work and have no choice but to miss those milestones of their child's life and I know that every chance that they have to be there - they are. What I don't understand is the parent who just chooses not be and has no valid reason for their absence. Even if that particular sport or any sport in general isn't their cup of tea - it's their child playing and doing something that they love.
I have come to realize though that it isn't just the importance of sitting in the stands of a sporting event - it's every event in your child's life that you should want to be a part of. Even if you can't be there - you should have the "want to" to be there. I remember telling my middle daughter one time that I didn't know if I would be at church one particular Sunday and that there would be some Sundays I might not be there for a certain reason. At 17 she had this almost pouty look on her face and said I don't like when you aren't there. I reminded her that doesn't sit with me that she sits with the other youth. Her response was "but I know you are there."
I fall short every day of being a perfect parent. I am too lenient on them when it comes to pulling their load, I don't put my phone down long enough some times to focus on what they are telling me, and I let them down a lot I'm sure. But the one thing I can always do and be good at is being their fan and cheering them on. Whether it's running out a double play, pulling down a rebound or achieving an award at work - I want my kids to know that what they do is important enough for me to support them.
So yes - I spend A LOT of time watching sports in an uncomfortable environment some times, I sit through some long programs at school and I on occasion use my lunch break on the road to spend a few minutes with my eldest for lunch. I do sacrifice a lot to be able to do those things and I go without a lot of things to allow them the opportunity to chase their dreams. But the one thing I never regret giving up is my time. They are almost grown now and these moments will all to soon be a thing of the past. So for now it isn't "no body's fault but my own" - it's a privilege that's all my own.
If you are a parent that misses theses moments and it's not because you can't go, but instead because you don't think it's important - then that is no body's fault but your own.
Thursday, June 19, 2014
Thursday, June 12, 2014
Heidi Klum has nothing on me...well for now maybe she does
It seems like since my last birthday the struggle has been more real than ever to be happy with myself. I'm daily trying to convince myself that losing weight should not be this hard. I have tried the fitness pal app on my phone and it seemed to work a little, but to be honest I think that this electronic beast expected so much from me and no matter what I tried to do to please her - well it just wasn't possible. A good friend of mine did it and he is a perfect example of what one should achieve by doing it. I tried working out with some of my girlfriends and if it wasn't for the fact that deep down I know they love me I would've sworn they were trying to kill me. I even told myself every night that my day wouldn't come to a successful ending unless I went to bed feeling like I had just channeled Jillian Michaels - but that was a constant argument between the proposed skinny me sitting on one shoulder and the real me sitting on the other. I tried to get into the walking thing - to the point of walking 6 miles in 20 degree weather, gasping for breath before my lungs froze and crumbled inside me. I even (when no one was looking of course - because my daughter has repeatedly told me I shouldn't do it in public) have tried...or at least tried to run on some occasions. But to be perfectly honest I think that it should probably be considered a hazard to my well being, because the faster I tried to run the more I felt as if my inner thighs were going to spontaneously combust from all the friction between them. At the end of each futile attempt to gain a smoking hot body I have almost resigned to the fact that I still haven't found what is going to work for me.
I cannot fathom why to some people that losing weight is so easy....or that it looks like that anyway. I have this one friend of mine that has lost an amazing amount of weight and looks fabulous! I asked her to tell me her secret, as it was obvious that nothing else was getting the job done for me. She tells me to limit myself to 30 carbs a day - no bread, no potatoes, no sweets and carbonated beverage products. Well it's quite obvious that I have not achieved this larger version of me by skipping the bread and potato part of the side dishes on the menu; in fact I have a rather close relationship with those two and am having a harder time letting them go than my favorite pair of shoes that I wore until a hole was worn through them. It's not like those two can't survive without ME - it's more of a me not surviving without THEM kind of dilemma. It's giving separation anxiety a whole new meaning. BUT once again I'm going to put forth the effort.
I was sitting looking at a magazine tonight with Heidi Klum on the front, taunting that not so very nice part of me that rarely comes out, as she was plastered all over the cover with her swimsuit that was more skimpy than a mosquito net. The fact that she could make a blind man drool is not so much the dagger through my ego as the fact that she is older than I am and looks like she has the body of me when I was 20.
I truly believe that deep inside of me is a much skinnier me that is dying to escape the part of me that surrounds her. I know beyond any doubt that there IS a way to devise an escape plan for that skinny me, but for the life of me I can't figure out what the plan is.
I have been told more times than I can count that after about the age of 35 that it grows increasingly harder to lose weight and I would believe that analogy is somewhat true if it wasn't for the fact that my Mom has had no problem doing it and she is...well let's say a few (not a lot) of years older than me and by the way she looks amazing!
I was flipping through a magazine on the way home from a business trip the other day and they had this section on Hollywood moms who had no signs of having a baby 2, 5 or 6 months ago. Are you kidding? What did they do give birth to? A guppy??? My youngest child is almost 15 and I am STILL carrying my "baby fat" from him. Heck if the truth me known, I'm sure that my 24 year can still take some of the blame for leaving her part of that baby fat behind too.
I can make excuses all day long for not being the person that I am happy with. I can look down and pretend that I don't look THAT bad - but in actuality that person that I wonder who she is as I walk towards a glass door and see my reflection is the person that I really am. I know that one day I will finally wake up and say "okay - enough is enough" and I'll eventually find that me that is long lost and submerged under the me that I don't like very much.
I think that finally that day will come when I walk past the bikini section and wish for the last time that I can make one of those cute little numbers look good and I will finally reach that "I can really do this" stage of my life. Now granted I am more quickly than I would hope approaching 50 - but if I have it my way I will be my own version of Heidi Klum when I look in the mirror - before I reach that milestone in my life.
Until then I guess I will give the no bread and potatoes theory a try, but I'll be honest with you I'm not going to be a happy camper while I'm doing it.
I cannot fathom why to some people that losing weight is so easy....or that it looks like that anyway. I have this one friend of mine that has lost an amazing amount of weight and looks fabulous! I asked her to tell me her secret, as it was obvious that nothing else was getting the job done for me. She tells me to limit myself to 30 carbs a day - no bread, no potatoes, no sweets and carbonated beverage products. Well it's quite obvious that I have not achieved this larger version of me by skipping the bread and potato part of the side dishes on the menu; in fact I have a rather close relationship with those two and am having a harder time letting them go than my favorite pair of shoes that I wore until a hole was worn through them. It's not like those two can't survive without ME - it's more of a me not surviving without THEM kind of dilemma. It's giving separation anxiety a whole new meaning. BUT once again I'm going to put forth the effort.
I was sitting looking at a magazine tonight with Heidi Klum on the front, taunting that not so very nice part of me that rarely comes out, as she was plastered all over the cover with her swimsuit that was more skimpy than a mosquito net. The fact that she could make a blind man drool is not so much the dagger through my ego as the fact that she is older than I am and looks like she has the body of me when I was 20.
I truly believe that deep inside of me is a much skinnier me that is dying to escape the part of me that surrounds her. I know beyond any doubt that there IS a way to devise an escape plan for that skinny me, but for the life of me I can't figure out what the plan is.
I have been told more times than I can count that after about the age of 35 that it grows increasingly harder to lose weight and I would believe that analogy is somewhat true if it wasn't for the fact that my Mom has had no problem doing it and she is...well let's say a few (not a lot) of years older than me and by the way she looks amazing!
I was flipping through a magazine on the way home from a business trip the other day and they had this section on Hollywood moms who had no signs of having a baby 2, 5 or 6 months ago. Are you kidding? What did they do give birth to? A guppy??? My youngest child is almost 15 and I am STILL carrying my "baby fat" from him. Heck if the truth me known, I'm sure that my 24 year can still take some of the blame for leaving her part of that baby fat behind too.
I can make excuses all day long for not being the person that I am happy with. I can look down and pretend that I don't look THAT bad - but in actuality that person that I wonder who she is as I walk towards a glass door and see my reflection is the person that I really am. I know that one day I will finally wake up and say "okay - enough is enough" and I'll eventually find that me that is long lost and submerged under the me that I don't like very much.
I think that finally that day will come when I walk past the bikini section and wish for the last time that I can make one of those cute little numbers look good and I will finally reach that "I can really do this" stage of my life. Now granted I am more quickly than I would hope approaching 50 - but if I have it my way I will be my own version of Heidi Klum when I look in the mirror - before I reach that milestone in my life.
Until then I guess I will give the no bread and potatoes theory a try, but I'll be honest with you I'm not going to be a happy camper while I'm doing it.
Wednesday, June 4, 2014
Just trying to find where I fit in
When I was a little girl I remember thinking about all the things that I wanted to be when I grew up. I would watch Nancy Drew thinking I wanted to be a detective. I watched The Brady Bunch thinking I wanted to have a house full of kids. And I would see movie stars on TV and think I wanted to be rich and famous. At one point I even entertained the idea of being Wonder Woman (that was of course before I realized that spinning around ridiculously fast wouldn't change me into a patriotic bodysuit).
As I got older a lot of those fantasies diminished and I looked more at the reality of things. I set my mind on becoming someone who could do good in the world or someone who would have a nice office with my name on a fancy desk top name plate or on my door. I always knew that I wanted children, but as I got more realistic in life I knew that I only wanted at least 3. I started college under the pretense of becoming a psychologist so that I could help people solve their problems...and then...well my ambition overloaded my mind and I ended up throwing my hands in the air and saying "I just can't do this!"
At the ripe old age of 23 I was married and had my first child and in the years to follow would become a mother to three wonderful children. But my career happiness was up in the air and no matter what path I took I couldn't find the satisfaction that I searched so desperately for. Now I'm 47 and to be honest I still don't know what I am looking for. I have wrestled with the [what seems like unanswerable question] what do I really - I mean REALLY want in life?
I have been overwhelmingly blessed with some good jobs that I enjoyed what I did, but to be honest I don't know that I have ever been truly happy. This of course starts you on a tailspin of thoughts asking yourself - "What is happiness...really?" I mean do you even realize what it is if it just slaps you in the face?
I have had a variety of jobs - all of which I have devoted myself to 110% to try to be the best at what I did. But in doing those jobs I never quite felt the philosophy "if you have a job you love - you will never work a day again in your life." So here I am at 47...3 years away from 50 and still have no idea what direction that my life is taking. The only thing that I have any certainty of is my job as a mother. That is the one thing that no matter how hard it may be, how heartbreaking is can be or how stressful it may become- I am happy with that job.
I am trying to find that peace with myself now that there is a door out there that hasn't opened yet. Perhaps because I keep taking the wrong path (it would much easier in life to have a map to guide you instead of your instincts); or perhaps it's simply because God doesn't feel like I'm quite ready yet for what He has in store for me. Regardless what the answer is, I'm not going to give up. I know that out there...somewhere... is a place for me. A place for me to discover and a place waiting to be discovered. I just have to have patience and stop trying so hard to look for the missing part of the puzzle, because in actuality there's a puzzle that I am the missing piece to and it's completion is based on me finding my place to where I fit in. Please don't get me wrong - I am very grateful for every job I have ever had. My whole point to this thought process is that I just don't feel like I have found that place that I fit in...like I'm supposed to. Maybe I'm an overachiever and I just feel like there is always more out there than what I am accomplishing.
For now, I'm just going to be patient, choose my paths more carefully and trust that I will find what completes me. But most of all I'm going to focus more on finding happiness with what I have than needing to find something to make me happy.
As I got older a lot of those fantasies diminished and I looked more at the reality of things. I set my mind on becoming someone who could do good in the world or someone who would have a nice office with my name on a fancy desk top name plate or on my door. I always knew that I wanted children, but as I got more realistic in life I knew that I only wanted at least 3. I started college under the pretense of becoming a psychologist so that I could help people solve their problems...and then...well my ambition overloaded my mind and I ended up throwing my hands in the air and saying "I just can't do this!"
At the ripe old age of 23 I was married and had my first child and in the years to follow would become a mother to three wonderful children. But my career happiness was up in the air and no matter what path I took I couldn't find the satisfaction that I searched so desperately for. Now I'm 47 and to be honest I still don't know what I am looking for. I have wrestled with the [what seems like unanswerable question] what do I really - I mean REALLY want in life?
I have been overwhelmingly blessed with some good jobs that I enjoyed what I did, but to be honest I don't know that I have ever been truly happy. This of course starts you on a tailspin of thoughts asking yourself - "What is happiness...really?" I mean do you even realize what it is if it just slaps you in the face?
I have had a variety of jobs - all of which I have devoted myself to 110% to try to be the best at what I did. But in doing those jobs I never quite felt the philosophy "if you have a job you love - you will never work a day again in your life." So here I am at 47...3 years away from 50 and still have no idea what direction that my life is taking. The only thing that I have any certainty of is my job as a mother. That is the one thing that no matter how hard it may be, how heartbreaking is can be or how stressful it may become- I am happy with that job.
I am trying to find that peace with myself now that there is a door out there that hasn't opened yet. Perhaps because I keep taking the wrong path (it would much easier in life to have a map to guide you instead of your instincts); or perhaps it's simply because God doesn't feel like I'm quite ready yet for what He has in store for me. Regardless what the answer is, I'm not going to give up. I know that out there...somewhere... is a place for me. A place for me to discover and a place waiting to be discovered. I just have to have patience and stop trying so hard to look for the missing part of the puzzle, because in actuality there's a puzzle that I am the missing piece to and it's completion is based on me finding my place to where I fit in. Please don't get me wrong - I am very grateful for every job I have ever had. My whole point to this thought process is that I just don't feel like I have found that place that I fit in...like I'm supposed to. Maybe I'm an overachiever and I just feel like there is always more out there than what I am accomplishing.
For now, I'm just going to be patient, choose my paths more carefully and trust that I will find what completes me. But most of all I'm going to focus more on finding happiness with what I have than needing to find something to make me happy.
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)