Tears, Smiles and Memories

Today marks the third year from the day that I lost the most important man in my life…my dad. A friend of mine said the other day while reflecting on her own father’s death that some anniversaries are not to be celebrated, but to be endured. I don’t think I have ever heard it referred to so correctly.

While his leaving left such a void in my life and for those that loved him so much we are left with so many amazing and wonderful memories of him. There’s an old cliché that says – “it’s not what you take with you – but what you leave behind that matters most.” Well with my dad he gave to us so much during his life that we will forever be blessed with what he left behind for us. Not only did he leave us with so many precious memories – he also left behind a wonderful reputation. I am constantly reminded of his kindness, his loving heart and of course [for those of you that knew him] his wonderfully crazy sense of humor. I can probably recite every story that he ever told word for word. I can sit down and lecture my children in verse the same lectures that he used on me. At the time that I was on the receiving end of either a story or a lecture I didn’t realize how I was clinging to every word that he said. But through the years his words of wisdom and his humorous antidotes have echoed in my mind with every little thing that has in some way sparked a recollection of something he had said during my life. All the way back as far as I can remember he was in some way planting a seed not only in my life, but so many others as well.  

When people tell me that I remind them so much of my dad it is the greatest compliment that I can receive. Although I know in my heart that I am far less of a person than my dad was and can only hope that I measure up to him in some way one day; it is an inspiration and a challenge to be like him every time someone says that.

For each person who tells me a story about my dad or each time that someone remembers him with a kind word I think about the reputation that he had during his life here. While he would be the first to admit [even today] that he was far from perfect, he was still in my eyes and so many other’s ranked right up there on the top of the “Best People” list. Through the fault of simply human nature, we often spend so much of our lives finding some reason to critique a person or an excuse to rake them over the coals. We spend so much time finding fault that we don’t even bother to find something more positive in its place. When my time comes to leave this world I hope that I can leave behind the positive things that people saw in me. But more importantly I hope that during this life that I can give someone something positive to remember.

I saw something today that made me think about my dad and his philosophy that he tried to apply to his life – “Our days are happier when we give people a bit of our heart rather than a piece of our mind.” So today while my heart hurts because I miss my dad more than ever – I’m going to think about the many wonderful things about him. I don’t want to think today about what has been taken away…I would much rather think about how he lived his life so that when he was gone that when someone thought of him they had no choice but to smile....because I certainly will.

Patience is a virtue...until you don't want it to be

If I can concede to one thing it is the fact that patience is something that eluded me for years. I have tried to find it, I have prayed for it, I have looked high and low for it and to be honest I have come to the conclusion that perhaps it's not a trait that I am ready to have. Either that or I had it and lost it so long ago that I couldn't find it again if I could retrace my steps back 20+ years!
I'm the one the doctor writes a prescription for and I take two pills out of 30 and if I don't feel like a new person...well I just don't take anymore. I'm the girl who goes no holes barred into a diet; do 20 crunches and 50 jumping jacks and then want to throw in the towel because I can't put on a size smaller pair of jeans the very next morning. And I am the one who prays for answers and then suddenly changes course in my prayers because I'm not going in the direction that I think God should be leading me. I get frustrated and aggravated because I feel like at 47 I should be more financially stable than what I am and trying to get my finances in order some times is more difficult than trying to pin a kangaroo down on a trampoline!
But with all those faults in allowing patience to take a back seat, I find it ironic that the one thing that I had patience for was my children growing up. It was the one thing that I wanted to last forever and suddenly now I have one with a child of her own, one preparing for college and one with a little over 3 years of high school left. I'm not prepared for sending another one out into the world and any small dose of patience that I have rationed and stowed away is slowly dissipating right in front of me because it's useless to have. They are going to grow up and I couldn't drag it out if I tried.
Why is it that the human nature of us is to want something and to want it now? A new car, a better paying job, a Victoria Secret's body...I could go on and on. But with my children growing up, finding their own ways in life and slowly leaving me behind, there is no need for patience because these things are going too fast.
I have been talking to my college bound student on her future and telling her "don't rush things, take your time"; and at the same time find it ironic that I can't apply that very philosophy to my own life and the things that I do or the things that I am waiting for.
While a part of me is anxious to see what their futures hold, another part of me wants to be patient, longs to be patient, and wait as long as possible for them to grow. As with everything else, God has a plan and their futures are quickly becoming the present though.
I suppose my father's old saying of "you have to pick you own battles" pretty much applies to this as it does many other things in my life. But this battle I have no idea how to win. While I am excited about seeing what they make or their lives, I find myself battling with the parental fantasy of them staying young forever.
So I suppose if I can find a way to implement patience into my life with my children it would be for me to simply enjoy each day with them that God will allow me to have...for now....and not let tomorrow come upon me too quickly.
Through the course of them growing up I have watched them form into the people that God intends for them to be right now, and while it has happened all too quickly; I'm still going to try to - as slowly as possible - wait to find out about what tomorrow holds for them and I am going to try to enforce my patience where it matters....sitting back, trusting their choices ever so patiently as possible and at the same time eagerly await to see what God has in store for my children.

Regrets and the roads less traveled

It seems like as I get older that my mind tends to wonder more towards the regrets that I have in my life. You know things that you “should have” done or said, but didn’t? Well recently I went on a trip to Vegas and we flew out there. Well flying is not my favorite thing to do…in fact there is a requirement of a Valium or something of that nature to make me feel more comfortable about putting my life in the hands of a complete stranger behind the wheel of a mode of transportation that weighs more than my house and hovers in the air. I get myself in this panic mode thinking of crashing and then all of a sudden I become overwhelmed with all the things that I wish I had done in life.

Regrets can come in all sizes, shapes and forms. It can be about things that you wish you had the courage to try when the opportunity was there; it can be in the form of things that you should have said when you had the chance; or it can be about different paths that you wish that you had taken. I think that two of the most powerful words combined are “What if?” Those two words can send your mind into an out of control tailspin of thoughts - both good and bad.

There are those that will argue pre-destination and are convinced that everything happens according to a greater plan. While I am more pro than I am con about that theory I am up in the air about that to a certain degree. While I am fully convinced that everything happens for a reason; I am also convinced that we are given free will to chart our own course and end up where we do as a result of those choices. Therefore regret comes into the picture. While I have no regrets for “most” of the things that I have done, because some of those choices provided me with [what I believe] are 3 of the most beautiful children and grandchild ever created. The philosophies of regret falls more under the categories of things I didn’t do and perhaps should have.

I wish that it didn’t take the impending thoughts of a plane crash or something of that nature to inspire me to think about the regrets that I have. While it isn’t healthy I’m sure to dwell on what should have been done differently, it should make you think before you make choices in the future.   

Perhaps in the grand scheme of things all roads lead to one destination and are paved with uncertainty as well; and maybe the only difference would have been the scenery along the way. When I do reach my final destination at the end of whatever road it is that I end up on I just don’t want to look back over my shoulder and look back at the paths that were less traveled and wonder if maybe I should have taken a left instead of a right.